Can Gay Guys Really Have Platonic Friendships with Straight Guys?

Another week flown by and the next post hits the screens.  Huge thanks to all who popped in to peruse last week's musings.  I greatly appreciate you taking the time and hope that you find the posts interesting and/or entertaining; perhaps even enlightening, for straight readers, a number of whom have been generous enough to comment very positively and also pose questions over FB messenger or email....and one such question is the topic for this week's subject.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

I was delighted to find that one of my ex-Army mates sent a seemingly simple but important question over FB Messenger, "Can gay guys really have platonic friendships with straight guys?"   This issue is fundamental to how many straight men and women view gay guys and girls.  Assumptions, or suspicions about the "real" answer can feed phobias, prejudice and resultant discrimination.  This is exactly the sort of issue I hope to touch upon in the Blog, because I know I have a number of straight readers and am keen to use this vehicle to increase understanding and break down ill informed preconceptions and enmity.  I shall be honest and open in my answer, of course, as I have been in each preceding post; to the surprise of one or two readers.

Answers to such questions derive from personal experience, from pertinent discussion with mates and, perhaps, a little relevant reading but still reflect just one person's interpretation and understanding.  I shall divide my answer into two broad areas, youth and adulthood.  In my case, first crushes fell upon guys on TV, in the music industry, on the silver screen, in sports teams and, yes, upon other kids in school.  As we have noted previously, adolescence is a time of excitement, exploration and thrills but it may also be a time of "storm and stress", as G Stanley Hall coined in 1904, of turmoil, confusion, of battling fears of failure and inadequacy.  Well, if to this hormone fuelled maelstrom one adds the fact that your compelling physical drives and the deluge of enslaving emotions are rooted in that "love which may not be spoken", that your very being is one that society abhors, those years that should be wondrous can be a dark period, beset with seemingly existential dangers.  One could not, in my youth and still in most cases today, peruse the array of male beauty with which nature presents you, select the most alluring, sachet alongside and enquire, "Do you come here often?"  No, for the gay guy and girl then, and research shows still today, that young love really must not be spoken, but remain woundingly unrequited; see back to the posts on Coming Out and on Gay Identity and Gay Culture for more on this area.

In many cases such young love, or youthful lust, is necessarily sublimated, the forlorn torchbearer constrained to nurture the woefully inadequate and agonising alternative of friendship.  That is not to say that every male teen who is mates with a gay lad is viewed by the latter as a modern day incarnation of Michelangelo's David, to be corporeally coveted and fantasised over, quite the contrary.  Many gay teenagers deliberately abjure (ie run like the wind from!) the company of those peers with the finest physiques and most alluring looks, in fear of what might result from prolonged close contact....but primordial drives are just that, and the competing, conflicting imperatives can tear at the very core of a gay adolescent.  He yearns to exist in the closest possible orbit around some fabulous creature, while knowing that that would bring daily punishment and would risk, well, would risk just about everything.  I was never conscious of building a friendship founded on physical attraction or lust, but my first boyfriend was my 'straight' best friend of the time, in school; a kid who would not only eschew descriptions such as gay and boyfriend, but would proudly beat his chest and declare his credentials as a true champion of the straight world at the slightest excuse....rather belying what may have passed between us only moments before.  In no way did I consciously seek him out to be my best mate because of any sense of attraction and he was not the best looking of those I was pleased to call friend.  Over time, however, we became closer and closer.  Our friendship deepened and transformed to the point of genuine emotional and then physical pairing.   At the last time of hearing, after our relationship he had returned to the 'straight and narrow' and had various heterosexual relationships, none of which endured as he went through three or four marriages.  I am sad for him.  In the first life of this Blog I related a version of how we stumbled upon the physical element of our relationship and I may reprise that in this resurrected form of the Blog in a future post.

Conquering, or at least learning to master the torments of adolescence one comes of age, becomes an adjusted, adult member of society.  That transition is often portrayed by Hollywood as a watershed and, at least in my experience, when it came to how I viewed straight guys and straight friends in particular it was.  I dare say that some gay friends would rather I was "economical with the [my] truth", above, would have preferred me to dissemble or just outright lie and say that never has a gay teen fancied one of his friends.  Such a declaration would have been untrue and contrary to the purpose and previous practice of the Blog....that said, however, it would, indeed, be applicable to my experience of adult friendships between gay and straight men.  Gay guys know a good looking when when we see one, it's nature, but recognising that a mate may be good looking does not translate to fancying or lusting after him; not at all.

In fact, once the horrendous (and stupendous) hormone charged teens are travelled, the very thought of sexual engagement with a straight friend is rather distasteful.  Some might observe that, in my case, this could be put down the fact that all my straight mates appear to suffer from a symptom of sloth or neglect....having failed to remove their halloween masks, year on year, but it's more than that.  In my mind, it is a combination of respect for and acceptance of them as straight men and valuing them as friends; I guess one might equate it to the sort of mindset I hope and trust they have in regard to my sexuality and relationship with them.

Seeing straight men as attractive is like viewing a painting or sculpture, but seeing them as sexual is a horse of a different colour; as the Guardian of the Emerald City and carriage driver coined to Dorothy, though most have the phrase is rooted in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night.  I could not see any of my straight mates in such a context, not solely because they are ugly as sin, but because it would be so "wrong".  Respect for that person's sexuality and for our friendship made such an idea positively nauseating.  In truth, I do have a few heterosexual mates who are good looking, one or two of whom have enjoyed being eyed up when drinking with me on the Soho gay scene, but the idea of them being figures of fancy and lust for me is actually distasteful.

Now, in the spirit of the Blog, I also have to admit that I know of gay men who actively seek out "straight" men with the intent of having sex with them.  They derive something of a sense of conquest from such encounters.  When being taken to task over their hunting strategy, as I have done, their response is that they do not use date-rape drugs, they do not employ inopportune force and the sex is entirely consensual.  This takes us back to the brief discussion of sexuality in the post, Tales of Straight Guys' Gay Sexual Experiences and are 'Bromances' Simply Cover for Closeted Gays?, where I commented that, "....my take on sexuality is that very few men or women are 100% heterosexual or homosexual.  Humans are rarely straight forward, particularly regarding emotions and basic drives.  The hue of the inner man is not black and white, it is more grey, infinite shades of grey....though becoming bright, colourful, sparkly and spangly as one edges closer to gay, of course....".  Homosexual guys having sex with heterosexual guys is different from this post's discussion of gay-straight friendships, not only in the fact that the two consenting adults are not friends but also because the gay participant usually questions the description of his sexual partner as "heterosexual"; citing de facto physical evidence....and smiling, impishly, as he does so!

So, in conclusion and to answer the question in the title of this post, yes, gay man can enjoy wholly platonic friendships with straight man.  Indeed, all my adult friendships with those outside the rainbow realm have been entirely such and could be nothing else.

In a future post I might focus in on the issue of gay men and women in the military, from my experience, discussing how a gay man can enter a community populated by predominately fit guys and neither offend against military law nor drive himself to distraction.  It rather grows out of this post....and mention of it affords me the segue to note that at the recent Pink News Awards, the winner of the Public Sector Equality Award was the British Army.  Hooray and Hurrah for the boys and girls of my old trade, leaders in LGBT equality in the work place.

So, time to turn to other things and leave you in peace.  I do thank you, most sincerely, for taking the time to pop in and peruse my ponderings and I am sending huge e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate.  If anyone has specific questions about LGBT issues, as was the stimulus for this post, please do let me know by commenting on this post or, if we are already in personal touch, over FB messenger or email.

If Saturday and Sunday constitute your weekend and your work allows you the freedom to enjoy the same, I hope you have a fabulous one....and would love to think that you will join me again, next week.

Sex and the City Scene, Including Straight Guys Picking Up on the Gay Scene

Only just sneaking this one out before the end of the week!  I have been battling a plethora of distractions, but have finally knuckled down and got to it.  I cross my fingers that you find it engaging and even entertaining....and, by all means, do leave a comment/observation if you feel so moved.  Thanks for popping in to join me.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

Sex obsessed.  Utterly sexually depraved.  I have often heard such terms used to describe the gay community and, while some would flippantly retort "yea, we wish!", this post will talk about the more realistic place of sexuality and sex on the gay scene .  As ever, the observations and resulting conclusions derive from just one man's experience of gay scenes in London, Caerdydd/Cardiff, Washington DC, New York and Aracaju, NE Brazil....and a little reading on the issues.

"Women need a reason for sex, men just need a place".  You may recall that quote, attributed to Billy Crystal, from the earlier posts about Gay Identity and Gay Culture.  You have also probably heard the 'urban myth' that men think about sex every seven seconds; looks at watch!  Both derive from and play to the depiction of the male as sex obsessed, as compared to the more restrained and choosy female.  There is actually a great deal of material to support these generalisations, growing our of the dominant animal drive to perpetuate one's genes and the simple reality of personal investment.  In the animal kingdom it is usually true that the male stands the best chance of perpetuating his genes by having sex with multiple female partners, while the female's best chance results from having sex with few, carefully selected male partners; the dominant male.  We are told that this is hard wired in the brains of the male of multiple species.  Then, turning to the impact of personal investment, I defer to Dr Diana Fleischman, “If a man has sex with 100 women in a year, he might have 100 babies. If a woman has sex with 100 men in a year, she might have one baby and a very sore bottom.” This is due to what is called the “obligate parental investment”: a man’s minimum investment towards a child might be a couple of minutes’ work and a teaspoonful of sperm; a woman’s minimum investment is nine months of pregnancy and a painful and potentially dangerous labour – and that’s before the question of who raises the child is addressed."  

These factors combine to explain the male's greater preoccupation with sex.  The good Dr F reports that not one study has found that women think about sex more than men and, while once every seven seconds is stretching things a smidgen, one study in the Journal on Sex Research found that men think about sex 34 times a day and women only 19 times, on average.  Interestingly, when parental roles are reversed (the personal investment), so are attendant sexual behaviours, with the Dr telling us that, "Male sea horses get pregnant, for example, and they tend to be choosy because they bear the higher cost".

So, take the woman out of the equation and what do we find....?

Gay Venues such as Soho's Ku Bar are Open About
their Character, Proud, Deploying Staff in Adverts

Underlining the fact that I am only talking about life on the scene, as experienced by one man, the very existence of that scene is built upon a foundation of a shared interest and the need to safely explore it....that interest being men; or women on the lesbian scene, but I am not qualified to ponder that and have found little evidence of a 'lesbian scene'....which might support the theories about hard wiring, above, with Dr F's research showing that lesbians have far fewer sexual partners than gay men.  So, we begin with the essential social context, the scene, actually being rooted in sexuality (see earlier posts on Gay Identity and Gay Culture) and we should not shrink from that, should not feel in any way embarrassed or cowed.  It's who we are and what the scene is.  Gay bars, clubs etc are not scenes of inexhaustible, unfettered Bacchanalian excess, however, they are simply meeting places, safe social venues in which to enjoy oneself in the company of those with whom you share common interests and, maybe, to share mutual attraction with someone you fancy and later delight in ardent corporeal adventures.  That said, we do seem less Victorian, less inhibited about this most natural and fundamental human emotion and urge.  To echo the discussion above, some might see gay venues as straight bars without the constraining influence of women (as represented by Dr F above), or, as a straight friend put it, as "men being men, without women buggering it all up"....after which, he paused, then erupted into laughter; though I have  to say that there are many other differences between gay and straight social venues, as discussed in the previous posts on Gay Identity and Gay Culture, and the posts on a Night Out in London's Soho.

How was this greater honesty and apparent freedom manifest, when I hung out on the scene?  In the first place, in all cases of which I am aware, sex preceded dating; if, indeed, a couple moved to dating....few I knew 'did' dates.  Picking up someone you fancied was often easier, more straight forward (honest?) than I understand it to be on the straight scene; see the third paragraph before the end of the Night Out in London's Soho - Part 2 post for a real life example.  These factors combined to feed, or some might say foment a perpetual aura of hopeful anticipation, or, for the suitably facially and physically endowed, expectation, a sexual tension which could be electric.  It was palpable in the dance clubs we 'visited' together, in the post to which I refer above, where your shirtless torso tingled with it, your thoughts fixated and fantasised on it and where your skin was so sensitised it thrilled to the touch.

Sexual attraction is necessary, or, in its absence, untrammelled rapaciousness (ie gagging for it!), but there is also the issue of sexual compatibility.  This is not just an issue of "active/top" and passive/bottom" (upon which I shall not dwell).  Genuine compatibility goes further, deeper than that.  We each have particular interests, likes and dislikes, when it comes to sex but few are open and honest with potential partners at the outset.  The gay scene, which is so much more mature than the majority in the straight world, it seems, is much more up front about such things.  Indeed, though now dying out in most areas, there even existed dress codes to display interests and the role one sought to play in particular activities.  Generically known as the "hanky code", it related to wearing an item of clothing of a certain colour in a specific position on the body, such as in a pocket or on an arm on either the left or right side, which conveyed one's predilections.

In a bar or club, one could cruise the assembled smorgasbord and, rather than embarking on a what would prove to be a hollow, wasted adventure immediately identify those of similar preferences with whom you would be compatible.  Largely obsolescent, now, it has been replaced by tick boxes or text boxes on "dating" sites on the web; a genre to which we shall return later.  Otherwise, gay men are simply more direct and unabashed, having no issue about coming out with what they want to do and the role they wish to take in the encounter.

Next, the related issues of promiscuity, f**k buddies and monogamy.  Are gay men generally more promiscuous than straight men?  In my experience, yes is the simple answer to that....but I put it in the context of asking are men more promiscuous than women (given the chance), to which I would also respond, yes (from what I am told and read), so, remove the woman....  We are back with Dr F's work, above, sexual "hard wiring" and the result/cost of sexual relations.  In this regard, a number of guys I knew on the gay scene had what many call f**k buddies, friends with whom they would enjoy sex without in any way seeking to move the relationship on to being a couple.  I admit that it didn't suit me, simply personal choice, but it was much more common than I had thought before moving onto the scene.

So, if all the above is accepted, what price monogamy in this new era of marriage equality; in the more socially advanced countries?  Well, as in the straight world, it's all a matter of personal choice.  While I am aware of "open relationships", the majority of married couples I know are insistently monogamous; as on the straight scene.  Here, to my untrained mind, one sees the confluence of, or perhaps the conflict between the sexual and self centred verses the emotional and social drives.  I have been living with the man who is now my husband for over 13 years and, under British law, we have been married for ten years; in GB, if you were in a Civil Partnership and then married when the law advanced, they backdated the legal date of marriage to that of the Civil Partnership.  Man, including gay man, is perfectly capable of being monogamous, of wanting to be loyal and exclusive to that one special guy and hoping, expecting (requiring?) him to reciprocate.

Penultimately, an aspect of sex on the gay scene that may surprise some, that of straight guys picking up women on the gay scene....and taking ladies out onto the scene.  Yes, both happen.  In the first case, I know that some straight ladies venture into gay venues for a night out with a mate, or mates, knowing that they'll be safe from predatory males.  As a result, I am informed, the female of the species has her "guard down" and is more accepting of friendly engagement with a guy she presumes to be gay, only finding out to the contrary once the hunting male has established a connection.  In the second case, that of straight guys taking women for an evening out on the gay scene, I have personal experience it.  I have been asked to meet various mates in gay bars to which I previously introduced them (see back to the Straight Guy Visits to the Gay Zoo post), only to find that the friend in question had a new lady on his arm.  It transpired that he was seeking to demonstrate he was, "in touch with his caring, inclusive emotions", was a modern, metro-sexual man with gay mates and comfortable socialising on the scene.  On each occasion it happened with me, I was latterly assured that it had been a valuable and "mutually profitable" diversion from the straight friend's normal pattern of advancing relationships with a new lady friend to the "next level"; I neither wished nor requested details!

Lastly, the all above pertains to the scene of a few years ago and, while I know such observations are extant for what remains of gay scenes in major cities, those communities are shrinking.  Even in Great Britain, where legal equality has advanced in leaps and bounds and we enjoy rights and protections that were not dreamt of a decade or two ago, fewer and fewer men are venturing onto the gay scene, being open about their sexuality, seeking out the company of other gay men and searching for sexual partners in public settings.  As bars and clubs close across GB, reports show men retreating behind the anonymity of the web, turning to gay hook up sites such as GRINDR.  Such reports also indicate that many web daters still conceal their sexuality from work colleagues and even straight friends, believing that coming out may be damaging to them (see the earlier post, Coming Out - PART 1).  I own up to finding this a touch sad.  In the interest of balance, however, I should also note that many people do find life partners (or, at least, long term partners) through such web sites.  Different times, different dynamics, mankind seldom stands still....but I admit a bias, bemoaning the loss of gay bars and venues wherein so many memories were made and where one learnt so much; about others AND oneself.

ENOUGH, they cry!!!!  If you've made it this far, I am very grateful to you and am sending e-hugs, or manly embraces; as appropriate.  It's so kind of you to spare the time to drop in and share my musings and I thank you.

Fingers crossed I may see you next week, when the post may be talking Role Models....unless something else pops up.

Tales of Straight Guys' Gay Sexual Experiences and are 'Bromances' Simply Cover for Closeted Gays?

With fingers crossed for a productivity bonus, I am getting this week's post out on Thursday, once more.  Before we jump headlong into today's topic, however, allow me to mention that the past week saw the anniversary of the horrific killing of Matthew Shepard.  I well remember the day this tragic news broke across the world.  The book written by Matthew's mother, The Meaning of Matthew, is both chilling and hugely inspiring.  If you are a young LGBT guy or girl struggling with bullying or other challenges, take a look at http://www.matthewshepard.org/ or http://www.matthewshepard.org/matthews-place/ , if in the US, or http://www.akt.org.uk/ or http://www.youngstonewall.org.uk/ .  Right, on to the meat of the post.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

If I may, I shall kick off by repeating the assurance given in the preceding post that, while the tales related herein are true (or, at least, were told to me as true), none of the characters involved will be identified.  As I said last week, while I love the show, this is not Sex and the City!

So, one of the unexpected byproducts of coming out to straight, jolly masculine mates from my old work was that I became a sounding board for tales of straight guys' gay sexual experiences.  I seemed to qualify for this role by dint of friends deeming me to be 'knowledgeable' in both the straight and gay worlds and knowing me to be secure; hence ensuring all identities are shielded in this post.  Many of those imparting their stories seemed relieved to have found someone with whom they could open up, as if they wanted or even needed to tell tales that had been weighing heavily on them for many years.  I might also venture to suggest that one or two sought reassurance that what had passed between them and other guys did not detract from their manhood, from their 'qualification' as straight men.

For what it is worth, my take on sexuality is that very few men or women are 100% heterosexual or homosexual.  Humans are rarely straight forward, particularly regarding emotions and basic drives.  The hue of the inner man is not black and white, it is more grey, infinite shades of grey....though becoming bright, colourful, sparkly and spangly as one edges closer to gay, of course!

Some of the related experiences, adventures, dated back to the tellers' school days, to their teens, when young guys are a morass of delectably confusing, acute and essential hormone driven emotions and desires.  During these years, life is a tornado of hopes and fears, of cast iron certainties and stupefying ambiguities and many have postulated the concept of a 'gay phase' during adolescence.  As I came out to myself very young, conscious that when certain mates were sniggering about this or that girl they fancied I actually fancied them, I am not best qualified to comment on the truth in or prevalence of a teen transient state.  I did not experience a 'straight' phase, but have heard and seen enough to have developed a view on the concept of a gay phase; though, as you'll read below, I question whether affection for and even physical engagement with someone of one's own sex must always be seen as sexual, per se.

While I went to state schools, albeit as a boarder, many of my work mates attended public schools (ie private schools, in the USA).  Their school days were during the years that saw the demise of the "fagging" system in those seats of learning.  Fagging was a once formalised, institutionalised system wherein younger boys were required to act as personal servants to the most senior boys and prefects.

Downton Abbey's Footman
Jimmy

At its most benign, it was intended to engender respect for one's seniors and an understanding of service, from both sides of that relationship.  Humans being humans and, most certainly, boys being boys, such power was often exercised in unintended ways, however, with abundant tales of widespread bullying, of physical and even sexual abuse; which some claim was accepted by school authorities or to which they turned a Nelsonian eye.  I am reminded of the quote from Derek Malcolm, a British film critic, who said, "....if you were a fag-master you chose the prettiest fag from amongst the lower boys.  You just liked to have a pretty fag; I suppose it was a substitute for girls.  The funny thing was, if you shagged one of the maids, you were instantly expelled, but if you had anything to do with boys you got a severe ticking-off."  In this, one can detect an echo of the rich and powerful seeking to engage and display young, good looking and physically impressive footmen in days gone by.  Nothing ostensibly sexual, but rather to do with demonstrating wealth and power; key factors in the British social dynamic of the time.

While the friends who opened up about what they described as gay experiences attended school during the period said to have see the demise of fagging, or immediately thereafter, it seems that the attempt to dispatch it with a single, clean blow rather failed.

Depiction of Frat Hazing
in the movie GOAT

Tales of their public (private in US) school days suggested that although the specific practice may have been banned, as a formalised system, its atmosphere of privilege and power set against subordination and obedience lived on in custom if not in law; some watered down fagging de facto if not de jure.  In such environments, I was told of boys being humiliated by their seniors in ways that had sexual overtones (and, to avoid us being too UK- centric, one also thinks of the US college fraternity systems and their initiations, echoed in some male school/college sports teams in the US) as well as the greater extreme of a mate being required to give a senior boy hands on assistance in achieving personal gratification.  Such occurrences may well represent outlets for thinly veiled closeted homosexuality but, accepting that, they may also result from different emotional drives and adolescent bumbling round the maze of maturation.

In addition to the possibility that the above extra-curricular activities might be an outlet for repressed homosexuality, I offer two alternatives.  On the one hand, the teen years are when a young male is meant to explore and experiment with human sexuality and, as the UK public system was single sex in those days, the lads simply went for what was available.  Simply a mechanical means of achieving an end.  On the other hand, such activity has long been postulated as being more to do with dominance and power than main stream sexuality.

I do recognise that dominance and submission may be part of any sex scene, be it gay or straight, but many suggest that acts that seemed to indicate homosexual overtones in school systems were rather manifestations of the exercise of power, dominance over others, or, in plain language, simply bullying.  Indeed, a police mate of mine says that many so called gay rapes by straight guys are actually to do with the straight male demonstrating power over the target and that male rape is thought the ultimate dominant act.  Rather serious stuff, about which I am not qualified to determine any conclusion, but which may make sense in explaining same sex physical acts during the teens years, in addition to the possibility of it indicating homosexuality or bi-sexuality.

If the above may offer explanations for the tales of elder boy/younger boy adolescent same sex activity, the idea of sexual experiences with one's peer group, with one's friends, seems to pose different issues.  Two mates talked me through such eventualities, one while in school and one in his twenties.  Both followed drinking bouts that were meant to lead on to picking up ladies and, if the stars were in alignment, enjoying a night of corporeal excess with them.  As it transpired, it was alcohol that was taken in excess and the appeal of the guys to the opposite sex was somewhat bunted.  When they repaired to their rooms, the school teens to rooms in their school House and the twenty somethings to their twin bed hotel room, they almost literally fell into each others arms and experienced their first (and only) sexual intercourse with another guy; with their best friend of the time.  The school boys' case followed what appears to be the more common pattern in that, when the noise of fellow students announced the dawning of the new day, jump starting them from their stupor, they rose from the single bed, still naked, took themselves off to the bathrooms and nothing was ever said about the late night dalliance.  In the case of the adult pair, things were somewhat different.  In this case, when a pre-arranged morning call shocked them back into consciousness, my mate's friend turned to him and asked, "Did you enjoy that, last night?"  My good mate paused, pondered, then replied, "Yes, I did, but don't really think it's for me."  The two agreed and they shared no further physical intimacies, though their close friendship continued.

Maverick and Goose (Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards) in Paramount's
Top Gun.

The above leads me to talk of so called "bromances".  The various interpretations of these relationships figure on a sliding scale from very close straight friendships to a thin veil covering homosexual attraction and even clandestine gay activity.  As I ventured in an earlier paragraph, the inner man is not black and white but grey, infinite shades of grey and, as a result, either of the above may accurately describe specific bromances.  For my part, however, I have no problem with accepting the concept of platonic romances between males.  During my time in the Army I witnessed many friendships between men which were significantly closer than was the norm.  They embodied a shared dependency and exclusivity that stood them apart from the norm.  They shared an intimacy that some saw as greater than that which they enjoyed with their girlfriends, later wives, in some regards.  I did not, however, see such pairings as sexual, gay, in any general sense.  Yes, there was always a physical element to the relationships, manifest in 'play' fighting or wrestling, and you might even find them drunk together in underwear or naked....even see them pretend to kiss each other before turning that into another wrestling bout.  The physical element appeared important in cementing and re-affirming the relationship.  One member of such a pair told me that he and his best mate had masturbated together one night while watching straight porn, after a "legendary" drinking bout.  I do not see such relationships as necessarily homosexual, however.  Of course this may all have been venting tensions from the inner man's sexual greyness, but I have no problem with accommodating the concept of platonic romance between men, wherein physical intimacy is a reinforcement of friendship, a shared mechanical pleasure, rather than being driven by physical and emotional attraction, lust or love.  Devotees of the Discovery Channel and National Geographic Channel may have seen such manifestations amongst various animal species.

To close, I should say, without equivocation, that my take on all the tellers of the above tales is that they are straight, that their same sex events did not indicate latent homosexuality.  Only my take, but my 'gaydar' has often been pretty sharp.  Each one seemed to have little bent toward the sparkly, spangly end of the spectrum....not that we would want many of them anyway; sorry guys!

So, done for the week.  This one took me in directions I hadn't intended at the outset, but I hope it made some sense.  As ever, just one guy's take on the subject.  My sincere thanks to you for joining me and I am sending you e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate.  Next week I shall be a touch lighter and roll out 'Sex and the City Scene, Including Straight Guys Picking Up on the Gay Scene'.

Have a wonderful weekend, if Saturday and Sunday fit that bill for you and work allows.  See you next week, I hope.

Straight Guy Visits to the 'Gay Zoo'!

Just slipping this post in before the end of the week; been a touch distracted by other concerns.  If you'll forgive me, I want to start off with some admin points before we get into the meat of this week's offering.  Firstly, I have now changed comments to 'embedded' which, I am told, will allow me to reply directly in thread style.  One reader also asked, again, about registering for the email feed and, yes, it's a great idea which avoids you having to pull up the Blog on Thu/Fri to see if I have posted, BUT, you see it in a much less reader friendly way as the format is fitted to the Blog page and you miss the overall impact of the design, the borders etc.  Right, thanks for your patience, let's get to it.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

Following close on the heels of the posts about coming out, I thought I would highlight the ensuing 'educational' nights out on 'the scene' with some of my straight friends; particularly those from my old line of work.  This will lead me to next week's post, 'tales of straight gay sexual experiences and straight guys picking up on the gay scene'...and, don't worry, guys, if any of you are reading, identities will be laundered in the telling (this is not Sex and the City, though I do love that show and the post after next will be titled Sex and the Scene)!

Seeking to understand human kind, both as individuals and communities, was at the heart of my old employment.  I made a number of very dear friends in that work and came out to them as and when necessary or appropriate; as discussed in the preceding two posts.  They were variously delighted, surprised and annoyed by the revelation.  The annoyance came not from my sexuality, but from professional angst at them having failed picked it up during our years of working together and becoming friends, because human perception, reading people, was meant to be their stock in trade!

Yes, I have the 'Definitive
Collector's Edition'!

Much discussion ensued with them as individuals and in groups, always over glasses of this or that, and quite a number asked if I would take them out for a night 'on the scene'.  They knew nothing of our community, our culture, and both personal and professional interest led them to seek to fill this gap in their education through empirical research, people watching on the scene.   The nights out became known as visits to the zoo....preceded by my oft repeated caution not to feed the animals!  As the old saying goes, "there's nowt so queer as folk", which was taken as the title for the watershed original UK TV series, Queer as Folk, and was certainly an apposite observation on London's eclectic Old Compton Street and its 'gay village' environs.  Such forays would mirror the night out which you and I enjoyed together, a couple of posts ago, but it is what passed between me and my visitors on these occasions that is worth repeating and exploring.

As was - now renamed and restyled as Balans Soho Society

The evenings kicked off in the Bohemian atmosphere of my fave eating place, Balans; "If restaurants could win Nobel Prizes, Balans would be in line," Tatler restaurant Guide 2016.  On one such occasion, I was puzzled by the time it was taking my close friend to plump for choices from the menu.  On questioning him about the hesitation, he replied, "Well, is there something I can order that will show I am straight?"....and then tried to claw the words back, out of thin air, as soon as they had left his lips.  This was a well educated, worldly wise guy who was entirely at ease with gay friends but, evidently, even he felt somewhat overwhelmed, out numbered, even a little frightened at venturing onto the gay scene.  Over time, it transpired that he was not alone in this, as another friend had hugely impressed me by the quantity of spirits and wine he could consume in Balans without having to respond to a call of nature during the meal....only for him to tell me, at the end of the whole evening, that he'd felt intimidated, nervous at the prospect of going to the bathroom in the 'gay' restaurant and had waited until he was about to explode before giving in to the pressure!

Balans Soho Society 2016 (photo creds hashtagfatinside.com

Both instances were a salutary reminder that even people I knew to be entirely at ease with gay friends still retained a vestige of society's conditioning about homosexuality and gay guys.  I do think it is incumbent upon us to be cognisant of such realities, to be sensitive to them and to help to allay such concerns/fears by increasing understanding of our community; as was the purpose of the visits to 'the zoo'....along with having a damned good time.  I also believe that while we, as an LGBT community, must demand our rights, equal rights, we must also recognise that with rights come responsibilities; to which I shall return in a later post.  Incidentally, my answer to the question about something to order that would make my friend appear straight, I advised he steer clear of the giant sausages and mash with onion gravy!

Photo creds, quintisocial.com 

After a suitable lining was laid in the stomach at Balans (now Balans Soho Society), it was off to the Village Bar and thence to Rupert Street Bar.  Their different characters and styles were explained in the post 'Fancy a Night Out in London's Soho - PART 1', four posts ago.  I enjoyed them both, for different reasons, but held Rupert Street as my fave.  As we drank and talked on the nights out, we explored our surroundings through sight and sound and I encouraged the various friends to say what came into their minds as we did so.  While only to be expected, almost all admitted that it was "odd" to see bar after bar devoid of female presence.  This was often followed, later, by surprised comment about how easy and light the atmosphere seemed, an absence of stress or tension, no latent risk of the confrontation or conflict that can be sensed in many straight bars as evenings progress.  In all my time in gay venues I have only seen two fights....both of which were between straight guys who had ventured in to see what the gay scene was about and, it seemed, to cause trouble.  From what I was told by the bouncer who dealt with each event, they ended up scrapping when taunts between them about their own sexuality touched raw nerves.  I got to know a few of the Soho bouncers over the years, usually well trained and class acts who sought to defuse rather than confront.

You may recall discussing the culture of greetings and goodbyes on the gay scene, in earlier posts.  In most cases it is different from the norm when straight guys say "Hi" and "Bye", involving hugs and usually a kiss on the cheek or or on the lips; in a previous post I quoted my old mate who used to insist on lips saying, "I am not greeting a Frenchman, I am greeting a fellow homosexual!"  Well, one of my straight mates who asked for the intro to the gay scene was Pete, who had worked for me in the Army and now worked for a Gov Dept.  He was (is) a great guy and entirely at ease with those from the rainbow realm.  He had thrown himself into the evening and had loved it.  I knew that many of my mates would find him physically attractive and, icing on the cake, would be totally won over by his disarming personality and ready humour.  Kicking out time arrived after a lengthy, lively period in Rupert Street and Pete had to depart swiftly; work, the ensuing day, sadly precluded his joining us in The Shadow Lounge club in Soho.  He shook hands with the circle of my gay friends who had been drawn to him like moths to a flame but one, Rich, my flat mate at the time, was facing away chatting with someone else.  I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, Pete is leaving."  Rich spun round on his heel, grabbed Pete by the back of the neck, pulled him in and kissed him full on the lips.  The evening had gone unbelievably well, to that point, beyond expectations, and I cringed at Rich's kiss...fearing that it would unhinge all the good work done to that point in breaking down barriers and enhancing understanding.  When Rich finally released straight Pete, I looked into his eyes and waited.  As expected, the response was swift and loud....he broke into almost uncontrolled laughter and, when he'd caught his breath, gave Rich another peck on the cheek.  Pete was a worldly guy, well travelled, experienced and entirely confident in his own sexuality.  As a result, the kiss was no more than evidence of a different culture to him, no more than an alternate behavioural norm.

Pete knew he was good looking and expected that various friends of mine would find him attractive.  The same was true for one or two (though no more!) other friends and I admit that I dragged my heels when requested to take them on the 'zoo' visit.  I was concerned that gay friends might have found themselves flirting with them irrespective of the fact that I always introduced straight visitors to our world as, "This is Pete [or whomever], a straight mate of mine from my old work".  As it transpired, I needn't have been so perturbed.  On the second foray onto the scene with each of these passable looking mates, after many a glass of various libations had been enjoyed, I asked if they knew that my gay mates found them attractive and were flirting with them.  Each one replied in the affirmative and followed up, unexpectedly, with the fact that they rather enjoyed it.  I had come across this previously, in a different example of a straight guy on gay turf....

NOT the guy, but you get the idea!

For a short while, after leaving the Army, I took on a job as junior waiter in the café of the best 'gay' gym in central London (though the owners firmly eschewed such a description).  While some old comrades in arms might have raised an eyebrow, or even both, at the thought of me being junior waiter in a gay gym's café after 21 years in the military and ending up on a relatively grown-up salary scale, it's true....and I might explain why and the character and customs of a gay gym in a later post.  While working there, I noted that one of our regulars was an exceptionally fit and very good looking guy who I was sure was straight.  After chatting to him during a few of his visits, I asked him if he was gay or straight and he replied the latter.  That begged the obvious follow on of why train here, which brought the very honest and enlightening answer, "Well, you people have one of the best gyms in the Soho/Covent Garden area, but I also like the fact that guys here are looking me over all the time, fancying me, if you will."  He explained that he was a serious triathlete, he had worked long and hard to achieve his physique and simply enjoyed people appreciating it, whether they were male or female.  Once again, a young guy who was entirely confident of his own sexuality and proud of his body and looks....even if he didn't fancy guys at all and had not the slightest interest in gay sex.

Right that will have to conclude our look back at my gay scene tours for straight mates, aka straight visits to the 'gay zoo'.  I am hugely grateful to you for joining me and am sending e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate.  Following on from the last sentence of the paragraph above, the next post will be 'Tales of Straight Gay Sexual Experiences and Straight Guys Picking Up on the Gay Scene'.

I do hope that you enjoy a fabulous weekend, if Saturday and Sunday are work free days for you.  I'd love to think that you might join me again for next week's post....?