Sex and the City Scene, Including Straight Guys Picking Up on the Gay Scene

Only just sneaking this one out before the end of the week!  I have been battling a plethora of distractions, but have finally knuckled down and got to it.  I cross my fingers that you find it engaging and even entertaining....and, by all means, do leave a comment/observation if you feel so moved.  Thanks for popping in to join me.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

Sex obsessed.  Utterly sexually depraved.  I have often heard such terms used to describe the gay community and, while some would flippantly retort "yea, we wish!", this post will talk about the more realistic place of sexuality and sex on the gay scene .  As ever, the observations and resulting conclusions derive from just one man's experience of gay scenes in London, Caerdydd/Cardiff, Washington DC, New York and Aracaju, NE Brazil....and a little reading on the issues.

"Women need a reason for sex, men just need a place".  You may recall that quote, attributed to Billy Crystal, from the earlier posts about Gay Identity and Gay Culture.  You have also probably heard the 'urban myth' that men think about sex every seven seconds; looks at watch!  Both derive from and play to the depiction of the male as sex obsessed, as compared to the more restrained and choosy female.  There is actually a great deal of material to support these generalisations, growing our of the dominant animal drive to perpetuate one's genes and the simple reality of personal investment.  In the animal kingdom it is usually true that the male stands the best chance of perpetuating his genes by having sex with multiple female partners, while the female's best chance results from having sex with few, carefully selected male partners; the dominant male.  We are told that this is hard wired in the brains of the male of multiple species.  Then, turning to the impact of personal investment, I defer to Dr Diana Fleischman, “If a man has sex with 100 women in a year, he might have 100 babies. If a woman has sex with 100 men in a year, she might have one baby and a very sore bottom.” This is due to what is called the “obligate parental investment”: a man’s minimum investment towards a child might be a couple of minutes’ work and a teaspoonful of sperm; a woman’s minimum investment is nine months of pregnancy and a painful and potentially dangerous labour – and that’s before the question of who raises the child is addressed."  

These factors combine to explain the male's greater preoccupation with sex.  The good Dr F reports that not one study has found that women think about sex more than men and, while once every seven seconds is stretching things a smidgen, one study in the Journal on Sex Research found that men think about sex 34 times a day and women only 19 times, on average.  Interestingly, when parental roles are reversed (the personal investment), so are attendant sexual behaviours, with the Dr telling us that, "Male sea horses get pregnant, for example, and they tend to be choosy because they bear the higher cost".

So, take the woman out of the equation and what do we find....?

Gay Venues such as Soho's Ku Bar are Open About
their Character, Proud, Deploying Staff in Adverts

Underlining the fact that I am only talking about life on the scene, as experienced by one man, the very existence of that scene is built upon a foundation of a shared interest and the need to safely explore it....that interest being men; or women on the lesbian scene, but I am not qualified to ponder that and have found little evidence of a 'lesbian scene'....which might support the theories about hard wiring, above, with Dr F's research showing that lesbians have far fewer sexual partners than gay men.  So, we begin with the essential social context, the scene, actually being rooted in sexuality (see earlier posts on Gay Identity and Gay Culture) and we should not shrink from that, should not feel in any way embarrassed or cowed.  It's who we are and what the scene is.  Gay bars, clubs etc are not scenes of inexhaustible, unfettered Bacchanalian excess, however, they are simply meeting places, safe social venues in which to enjoy oneself in the company of those with whom you share common interests and, maybe, to share mutual attraction with someone you fancy and later delight in ardent corporeal adventures.  That said, we do seem less Victorian, less inhibited about this most natural and fundamental human emotion and urge.  To echo the discussion above, some might see gay venues as straight bars without the constraining influence of women (as represented by Dr F above), or, as a straight friend put it, as "men being men, without women buggering it all up"....after which, he paused, then erupted into laughter; though I have  to say that there are many other differences between gay and straight social venues, as discussed in the previous posts on Gay Identity and Gay Culture, and the posts on a Night Out in London's Soho.

How was this greater honesty and apparent freedom manifest, when I hung out on the scene?  In the first place, in all cases of which I am aware, sex preceded dating; if, indeed, a couple moved to dating....few I knew 'did' dates.  Picking up someone you fancied was often easier, more straight forward (honest?) than I understand it to be on the straight scene; see the third paragraph before the end of the Night Out in London's Soho - Part 2 post for a real life example.  These factors combined to feed, or some might say foment a perpetual aura of hopeful anticipation, or, for the suitably facially and physically endowed, expectation, a sexual tension which could be electric.  It was palpable in the dance clubs we 'visited' together, in the post to which I refer above, where your shirtless torso tingled with it, your thoughts fixated and fantasised on it and where your skin was so sensitised it thrilled to the touch.

Sexual attraction is necessary, or, in its absence, untrammelled rapaciousness (ie gagging for it!), but there is also the issue of sexual compatibility.  This is not just an issue of "active/top" and passive/bottom" (upon which I shall not dwell).  Genuine compatibility goes further, deeper than that.  We each have particular interests, likes and dislikes, when it comes to sex but few are open and honest with potential partners at the outset.  The gay scene, which is so much more mature than the majority in the straight world, it seems, is much more up front about such things.  Indeed, though now dying out in most areas, there even existed dress codes to display interests and the role one sought to play in particular activities.  Generically known as the "hanky code", it related to wearing an item of clothing of a certain colour in a specific position on the body, such as in a pocket or on an arm on either the left or right side, which conveyed one's predilections.

In a bar or club, one could cruise the assembled smorgasbord and, rather than embarking on a what would prove to be a hollow, wasted adventure immediately identify those of similar preferences with whom you would be compatible.  Largely obsolescent, now, it has been replaced by tick boxes or text boxes on "dating" sites on the web; a genre to which we shall return later.  Otherwise, gay men are simply more direct and unabashed, having no issue about coming out with what they want to do and the role they wish to take in the encounter.

Next, the related issues of promiscuity, f**k buddies and monogamy.  Are gay men generally more promiscuous than straight men?  In my experience, yes is the simple answer to that....but I put it in the context of asking are men more promiscuous than women (given the chance), to which I would also respond, yes (from what I am told and read), so, remove the woman....  We are back with Dr F's work, above, sexual "hard wiring" and the result/cost of sexual relations.  In this regard, a number of guys I knew on the gay scene had what many call f**k buddies, friends with whom they would enjoy sex without in any way seeking to move the relationship on to being a couple.  I admit that it didn't suit me, simply personal choice, but it was much more common than I had thought before moving onto the scene.

So, if all the above is accepted, what price monogamy in this new era of marriage equality; in the more socially advanced countries?  Well, as in the straight world, it's all a matter of personal choice.  While I am aware of "open relationships", the majority of married couples I know are insistently monogamous; as on the straight scene.  Here, to my untrained mind, one sees the confluence of, or perhaps the conflict between the sexual and self centred verses the emotional and social drives.  I have been living with the man who is now my husband for over 13 years and, under British law, we have been married for ten years; in GB, if you were in a Civil Partnership and then married when the law advanced, they backdated the legal date of marriage to that of the Civil Partnership.  Man, including gay man, is perfectly capable of being monogamous, of wanting to be loyal and exclusive to that one special guy and hoping, expecting (requiring?) him to reciprocate.

Penultimately, an aspect of sex on the gay scene that may surprise some, that of straight guys picking up women on the gay scene....and taking ladies out onto the scene.  Yes, both happen.  In the first case, I know that some straight ladies venture into gay venues for a night out with a mate, or mates, knowing that they'll be safe from predatory males.  As a result, I am informed, the female of the species has her "guard down" and is more accepting of friendly engagement with a guy she presumes to be gay, only finding out to the contrary once the hunting male has established a connection.  In the second case, that of straight guys taking women for an evening out on the gay scene, I have personal experience it.  I have been asked to meet various mates in gay bars to which I previously introduced them (see back to the Straight Guy Visits to the Gay Zoo post), only to find that the friend in question had a new lady on his arm.  It transpired that he was seeking to demonstrate he was, "in touch with his caring, inclusive emotions", was a modern, metro-sexual man with gay mates and comfortable socialising on the scene.  On each occasion it happened with me, I was latterly assured that it had been a valuable and "mutually profitable" diversion from the straight friend's normal pattern of advancing relationships with a new lady friend to the "next level"; I neither wished nor requested details!

Lastly, the all above pertains to the scene of a few years ago and, while I know such observations are extant for what remains of gay scenes in major cities, those communities are shrinking.  Even in Great Britain, where legal equality has advanced in leaps and bounds and we enjoy rights and protections that were not dreamt of a decade or two ago, fewer and fewer men are venturing onto the gay scene, being open about their sexuality, seeking out the company of other gay men and searching for sexual partners in public settings.  As bars and clubs close across GB, reports show men retreating behind the anonymity of the web, turning to gay hook up sites such as GRINDR.  Such reports also indicate that many web daters still conceal their sexuality from work colleagues and even straight friends, believing that coming out may be damaging to them (see the earlier post, Coming Out - PART 1).  I own up to finding this a touch sad.  In the interest of balance, however, I should also note that many people do find life partners (or, at least, long term partners) through such web sites.  Different times, different dynamics, mankind seldom stands still....but I admit a bias, bemoaning the loss of gay bars and venues wherein so many memories were made and where one learnt so much; about others AND oneself.

ENOUGH, they cry!!!!  If you've made it this far, I am very grateful to you and am sending e-hugs, or manly embraces; as appropriate.  It's so kind of you to spare the time to drop in and share my musings and I thank you.

Fingers crossed I may see you next week, when the post may be talking Role Models....unless something else pops up.