Night, Night....Blog Going Into Hibernation

So, demands (....and distractions!) have conspired to circumvent my best intentions and the habit of weekly posts (sustained over 17 weeks) has been undone.

I would rather this not be a maybe/maybe not, only when the mood takes, character of Blog so am putting it into hibernation.

Whether you've been a once in a while reader or a regular, I am genuinely grateful for your support and encouragement.  While I have not chased readership numbers, and not used any of the recommended tricks/tools to gain readers, it was always reassuring to find that some generous folk dropped in and joined me and even left the occasional comment.

As and when I am able to return to putting up new posts I hope I shall find you guys again.

Have a most fabulous Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever festivals and celebrations may pertain to you.

e-hugs, Dave

So, This Gay Guy Tries to Pick Up This Other Guy - Not realising He's Straight....

A quick check of the calendar and, yes, it's true, it really is only 17 days to Christmas; for those who actually are Christian, or at least profess Christian faith or are just happy go with flow at this time of year and party.  It is also 16 days to the start of Hanukkah, with the nightly menorah lighting, eating latkes and sufganiot, amongst other delights, and either 4 days or 9 days to Mawlid (for Sunni and Shi'a Muslims, respectively) when some participate in large street parades and decorate homes and mosques to mark the birthday of The Prophet; though others believe the day is for reading the Quran, worship and contemplation.  In Brazil, Christmas occurs on Christmas Eve....counterintuitive?  Akin to much of Continental Europe, families assemble and celebrate on the evening of 24 December, enjoying excess of food (usually buffet style, with tables groaning under the weight of joints of meat, rice, pastas, maybe salads, cakes and sweets) accompanied by drink aplenty and surrounded by kith and kin.  The revelry will run into the early hours of Christmas Day but, to my surprise, when one arises from a few hours sleep for breakfast, the magic is gone....it's all over, just another day; indeed, those of the family who travelled for the festivities may depart as soon as breakfast is over.  While the concept of (and ability to fund!) "twelve days of Christmas" only really sustains in seasonal songs back in the UK, most people of my acquaintance still don their gay apparel of Christmas vivacity on the Eve, 24th, throw themselves bodily into the main celebration on 25th and then that spirit of fun, of magic, of things being just that little bit different and somehow special, runs to 1st January.  I loved it and miss it.

Brazilian homes also mark Christmas with just a tree, rather than the jolly decking of the halls that goes on in Europe and N America....our tree is up and one or two of our decs may be a touch different from yours; phots below.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

Meanwhile, this week's Blog words result from reading a piece in Gay Star News (gaystarnews.com) about a gay guy who fancied a fellow guest at his cousin's wedding, not knowing the chap's sexuality.  It raised the issue of what happens when a gay man tries to pick up a man he fancies outside the gay scene, or when a lesbian tries to pick up a girl?

A number of people, in discussion with me, have said that they are surprised that "gay villages/scenes" sustain, that they are surprised that we still have gay Pride events and continue other overt celebrations of our sexuality and community and protest issues of equality.  To them, often very supportive straight allies of the LGBT cause, in places such as the UK, much of Europe and the USA marriage equality has been achieved so we are now free to live within "normal" society, lay down our rainbow flags and pink feather boas and cruise the common or garden places of entertainment and enjoyment with all the other well adjusted members of polite society.

We have spoken of the sad, harsh realites of acceptance, inclusivity and integration in the real world, at street level, in previous posts, including those on Gay Identity and Gay Culture and on Coming Out....realities that often shock my decent minded, socially liberal friends who are only aware of the impressive advances in legislative or judicially ruled equality.  We have also spoken of the woeful, inhumane state of LGBT rights in many countries outside Western Europe and parts of N America and the need for us all to be cognisant of the urgency and immediacy of the fight for basic human dignity and rights for LGBT people in those countries.  In these previous posts you find some of the explanations due to those who fail to understand the need for LGBT issues to remain visible and vital in current politics and also gain some insight into why we often feel unable to "be ourselves" in majority society, even today and even in countries that lead the world in legislative LGBT equality, such as the UK.  In this post, however, I wish to tarry a while on the single issue of gay guys or girls trying to pick someone up in standard social venues or at parties, events.

This is one of those occasions on which I would love this to be a directly interactive experience, because I would wish to pose this question to my very wlecome straight readers, "How would you react if a gay guy/girl approached you in your local pub/bar and tried to pick you up?"  For me, the copybook answer to such an approach might be, "Actually, I'm straight, but thanks", and I know a number of readers would respond with just such decency and magnanimity.  It is the type of response for which one might hope in the above referenced "polite society", the beau monde or café society....but I fear it has not been and is unlikely to be universal across Wyoming or Texas, Luton or Birmingham or many places beyond, even in socially advanced countries.

In the first place, history cautions most of us that cruising a straight bar and trying to hit on a guy or, for a lesbian, a girl, can be a recipe for trouble and requires not inconsiderable courage.  If we had genuinely arrived at a time of understanding, acceptance and equality a simple no thanks from the subject of the amorous desires would suffice but, for many, even in this 21st Century it does not suffice.  Street level reality shows us that such an approach may well end in a verbal exchange or even fisticuffs.  It is one of the reasons we discussed in preceding posts for there continuing to be a place, an important place for gay scenes/villages in the LGBT world....we do not wish to affront some straight guy or girl, nor be the catalyst for volleys or vitriol or flurries of fists.

As a result, the interaction reported in GSN is quite amazing.  Chad tells us that he was attending his cousin's wedding when a stranger approached, asked his name and said, "....I just want you to know that I've noticed you all night.  I wanted to leave this with you before I left....".  With that, the stranger, Shane, handed him a piece of paper upon which he had written his number.  In talking to GSN, later, Chad commented that, "....I thought it was extremely brave and I know it's something I wouldn't be able to do.  I'm sharing this to remind everyone to live their lives without regrets.  Almost all of my regrets came from things I didn't do, not the things I did.  I will be living my life more like this man and I suggest you do as well....".  Chad was also decent enough to exchange a few messages with Shane:

Chad, "Hey, this is Chad from the wedding. I just wanted to let you know that I actually have a girlfriend but I thought it was really brave what you did.  Keep it up, I hope you're [you've] a good year".

Shane, "Hey Chad. I appreciate you responding man. It took me for ever to pony up the guts to do it. I really never thought that you would respond because I was so awkward the entire time. Your gf is a lucky gal".

Chad, "Thanks a lot. Keep it up it's so much better to live your life without the regrets of not doing those types of things even if they're scary at the time. I wish you the best and know you'll find someone soon. Have a great week".

A tale fit for the Festive Season.  Shane had not done anything to offend Chad and, indeed, Chad took no offence.  A simple thanks, but no thanks and both continued their lives none the worse and, in fact, both probably feeling a touch better about both gay and straight guys, respectively, and about humankind more generally.  If you've never found yourself in a minority, one that faces prejudice, faces discrimination and worse the importance of such a simple tale of decent folk may be a touch lost on you.  I have known many straight friends who have been cruised by gay guys, often other mates of mine, and a few who have had a gay man hit on them....and they each survived the episode, came out of the brush with danger unscathed and, in most cases, actually feeling pretty good about being fancied by a gay guy; yes, I've been asked by heterosexual mates whether "your guys would find me attractive or not"....asked by men who were entirely confident of and in their sexuality.  Until such maturity is the norm, few homosexuals will feel secure in approaching a man or woman in a straight bar and trying to pick them up and the need for the likes of London's Soho will remain; though I say that knowing that such scenes or villages are contracting or disappearing because the majority of gay men are now retiring behind the anonymity of dating/hook up sites, avoiding having to be seen in a gay area or be seen associating with gay people....though that is not to deny those who do meet longer term partners over such sites.

Meanwhile, with so much potentially disturbing news coming out of the USA, there have been headlines from which to draw hope....and it is truly a grievous thing to live without hope.  In the wake of the anti-LGBT laws (H.B.2) that were pushed through the North Carolina State Government, supported and signed into law by Governor Pat McRory, national LGBT groups garnered and marshalled support from across the USA against Gov McRory and his policies; we note that, as Mayor of Charlotte, Mr McRory worked on an ambitious right wing agenda including rolling back ballot access rules, imposing new abortions regulations, a private-school voucher plan, expanding rights of gun owners and alterations in taxes said to favour the richest in society.  He will now be replaced as Governor of NC by Democrat Mr Cooper and perhaps the crucial nail in the coffin for Mr McRory was the wave of practical support for the LGBT community from the arts, sports and some businesses that undercut his claim to be the best steward of the State's economy.  Major performers cancelled concerts in NC, the NBA moved its All Star Game out of state to New Orleans and the NCAA and ACC moved their sports championships out of NC.

Shadowing the amazing solidarity across different elements of US society and commerce in NC, the Texas Association of Business has warned the GOP in the State that pressing ahead with its planned anti-LGBT agenda could cost Texas up to $8.5Bn and 100,000 jobs; assuming similar national reactions visited upon NC.  Now, as many of the Texas homophobic proposals are purportedly founded on unwavering religious faith, vulgar concerns such as money and jobs should not be expected to have any impact on the pious Texas GOP members of State Legislatures....we shall have to wait and see and hopefully applaud the decent folk of the US who will again, as in North Carolina's case, stand up for civil rights and equality.  We also wait, watch and worry about what may transpire post January, when the USA, at national level will, have a Congress wherein the GOP has the most anti-LGBT platform in its history (according to one of its own, the then leader of the Log Cabin Republican group), when the then President's policy will have been shaped by a VP who has espoused directing funds away from HIV/AIDS care to fund "gay cure" organisations and when the then President will be one who has said he will sign into law Acts that would legalise discrimination against the LGBT community on "religious" grounds.  Such worrying times for our LGBT friends in the US, as well as others in that country.

OK....sufficient for this week, with other demands dragging me from the Blog page.  If you've made it thus far, with me, a huge thanks to you and warm e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate.

If Saturday and Sunday comprise your weekend and if work and other factors mean you can actually enjoy it, have a fabulous time and thanks for dropping in to join me.

"My friends will never believe I know two people with wrinkles....!" - Pondering Ageing Gays.

I am very touched by news of people having begun hunger strikes, special religious convocations being having been called and questions asked in the General Assembly of the United Nations as a result of me failing to get a post out last week!  My first such failure in a number of months.  I blame a combination of me having been swept up in the wild social melee and an attack of early onset dementia; though some would say, not "so" early!

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

The title of this week's post is a quote from my first meeting with a guy who is now a dear friend, Chris.  He delivered the line to me and the mutual friend who introduced us, Terry.  I was then in my mid forties, Terry in his late forties and his new mate, Chris, was touching twenty.  Terry was a shrewd judge of characters and was sure we'd all hit it off despite the age differences, so I met the two of them for a night out.  As ever, the night unfolded in the heart of London's eclectic, hedonistic, even Bacchanalian Soho district (see the earlier posts, Fancy a Night Out on London's Soho Scene - Parts 1 and 2).  Hours passed, drinks were drunk and sharp, witty banter swirled like snow in a blizzard...and, en passant, guys were cruised.  As the witching hour drew nigh Chris had to head home, so we all took our leave of the pulsating Village Bar.  After goodbye hugs in the biting Autumn wind, on the junction of Old Compton Street and Wardour Street, our new young friend took a step back and paused, apparently scrutinising Terry and I.  Light from the street lamps played over our faces which, now wet from the soft drizzle that hung in the air like a mist, appeared to glisten.

"No, my friends will never believe it," Chris said, drawing quizzical looks from us both.

"Believe what?" I took the bait.

"My friends will never believe I know two people with wrinkles!" Chris reeled us in and delivered the killer blow!

When I was younger there was a common expression on gay scenes, "Where do all the gays go after forty?"  At that time, around 2002, a foray onto London's Soho scene would leave one thinking many a true word spoken in jest.  Where were the more "mature" guys?

Me at around 44 or 45 years old. Be kind!

Admittedly, I was then 44 but routinely told by friends that I was passable for my age; once I'd plied them with sufficient drinks!  The Soho scene was more or less bereft of longer served men, guys in their late 40s/50s and upwards.....other than in Comptons bar, which opened in 1986, preceding the evolution of the Soho gay village and wherein its ground floor bar was more earthy, gritty and attracted an older crowd (as well as bears and some leather boys) and the Admiral Duncan, where the entertainment included trad drag acts and numbered some older guys amongst its clientele.  Akin to every "scene" I have experienced or of which I have heard tell, Soho was fixated on youth and beauty.  The scene represented safety, it was liberating, vivacious, irrepressibly hedonistic and its magnetic aura of hope and anticipation was palpable (forgive what may appear as hyperbole, but to many of us the scene was just that, all of those things, for guys who had struggled with the fears of coming out and had lived a lifetime of deception and dissembling, yearning for the sense of identity and belonging that Soho delivered - see the two posts on Coming Out and the two posts on a Night Out in Soho)....but, on the other hand, the scene could be superficial, witheringly judgemental, uncharitable and unforgiving and, to the older gay man, it could appear prohibitively forbidding.

Photo creds GSN - Hope the FABULOUS
Mr Graham Norton won't mind!

Huffington Post recently reported on the work of Dr MC LaSala, of Rutgers University, who explained that ageing was particularly difficult for gay men because they are members of a community that is so focused on youth and beauty.  The challenges of growing old are not exclusive to gay man, that wasn't Dr LaSala's point and it is not mine, but those challenges can be harder to bear if one lives on/within a gay scene where the greatest value is ascribed to those things that diminish as the years increase....youth and beauty.  It is dangerous and divisive for a social group to found itself on one measure of worth, youthful sexual attraction in this case, and elements of that community suffer as a result.  Over dependence on just one superficial measure renders that group vulnerable to fracture....in the saying quoted above, that fracture opened up in the forties, when gay men were expected to hobble away, expected to "....get thyself to a nunnery...."; if you will allow me to be rather loose with the words spoken by Shakespear's Hamlet to Ophelia, as the suggested lifestyles for older gays and Ophelia would have shared some similar characteristics!  Indeed, a study by YouGov in 2011, commissioned by the UK charity Stonewall, showed that gay and bisexual men over 55 years of age are:  three times more likely to be single than their heterosexual counterparts; more likely to live alone (41% compared to 28% for heterosexual counterparts); less likely to see members of their biological family on a weekly basis (25% compared to 50%) and are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression or anxiety.  A sad picture.

That said, while the perception of life for older gays and the harsh reality highlighted by Stonewall may derive in large part from the scene's obsession with the young and beautiful, I venture to suggest that there was another reason for it in the 1990s and early 2000s, a reason that offers hope for a better life for gay men in their "golden years".  Every day sees new history being made and, while LGBT history has progressed at a more sluggish pace than many comparables, the late 20th and early 21st century have seen rainbow rights beam bold and bright in the skies over many countries in Europe and North America; though, I note with necessary caution and chagrin, that LGBT rights remain mired in suspicion, hatred and prejudice born of ignorance and often religious bigotry in many other parts of the world.  Across ever increasing swathes of the Northern Hemisphere the 1990s and 2000s, the LGBT community has moved every closer to equality....one step at a time, but less faltering, stronger and more confident advances at each pace.  With this has come the development of gay scenes and a greater acceptance by society as a whole of those of different sexualities; though, once again, look back at the two previous posts on Coming Out to gain a sense of the challenges that remain and how many young gay men and women are still cast out, rejected by those they love for being honest about their sexuality.  What began as a bold, blush pink trickle of gay men and women coming out in parts of Europe and North America rapidly turned into a veritable rainbow cascade and "villages" such as London's Soho blossomed in the 1990s.  As so often happens, while the road to this social revolution had been bravely, selflessly illuminated by gay men of all ages over the years the swelling of the ranks was down to young men and women proclaiming, screaming that they proud to be gay.  These youngsters had been brought up in the modern era, had been differently "socialised" (to employ an inelegant term from the social sciences) and did not suffer from self doubt and self esteem issues in the same way as their elders; I shall discuss the part played by the media and role models in this in a future post.

While older gay men and women of the 1990s were still the product of their time and social context, younger gays threw themselves into the safe zone and treasure chest of the newly emerging gay villages and, as a result, it was no surprise that such environments were dominated by the young and beautiful.  By the same token, those late teen or early twenties gay boys of the 1990s are now in their 40s and 50s and each generation that trips the light fantastic on Soho's incandescent, skin tingling streets grows older; not even pink fairy dust can hold back time.  The difference is that many gays who are now in their 40s and 50s matured (....?!) in the Bacchanalian boiling pot of gay scenes such as Soho and, while there were no, or few older gays on the scenes in those days such older gay men of today are still out and proud and been so for years, decades.  They may sashay onto the eclectic, frenetic and fabulous sidewalks of Soho et al less frequently, "been there, done that", he they not feel cowed by the youth of today, do not feel they must eschew the scene's occasional allure because they are one of the "two people with wrinkles"....because these streets were their streets, they had long since found safety, identity and a sense of belonging there, found honest, untrammeled lust and love in the arms and beds of fellow gay men from the scene.  They will not get themselves to a nunnery, will not "go gentle into that good night", as Dylan Thomas might have it, because they have already won their star spangled spurs, earned their membership of that rainbow realm and will immerse themselves in it as and when fancy the takes, still laughing and loving and, perhaps, wistfully watching the same people with different faces doing as they did in earlier years.  The (to me, saddening) post script to older men on the scene, in fact to anyone on the scene, is that gay villages are shrinking and disappearing.  This is not because we are now able to live our lives within the broader straight world (see earlier posts on Gay Identity and Culture), but because just when acceptance amongst the broader community is improving, slowly, gay men are retiring behind computer screens to find corporeal communion and, perhaps, longer term partners over dating/hook-up sites, with research showing a significant number do this in order to avoid "coming out".  I find this rather counter-intuitive and, sad; but one man's view who is a product of his time!

Lastly, we should also note the impact of changes in the law to allow Civil Partnerships in many countries and full blown, grown up marriage equality in countries more wedded to the concept of equality and common civil rights.  In such civilised parts of this new world, the lucky ones (such as the guy tapping away at this Blog) have been lucky enough not just to find the love of their life but to fully exploit the legal process to secure and cement that relationship; in my case, we have lived together for over 13 years and been married under UK law for 10 years (as they legally backdated the marriage to the date of our initial Civil Partnership).  With so many gay men and women emotionally and earnestly embracing the equality of the marriage ceremony relationships can more readily mature into long term, life long commitments and slash the number of older gay men ending their lives single and living alone.

Well, that's more than sufficient for this week and I should let you kind folk who have stayed with me this far on today's Blog escape....after thank you e-hugs or manly embraces from me, as appropriate.

If Saturday and Sunday comprise your weekend and work allows you the luxury of enjoying same, have a fabulous one.