Night, Night....Blog Going Into Hibernation

So, demands (....and distractions!) have conspired to circumvent my best intentions and the habit of weekly posts (sustained over 17 weeks) has been undone.

I would rather this not be a maybe/maybe not, only when the mood takes, character of Blog so am putting it into hibernation.

Whether you've been a once in a while reader or a regular, I am genuinely grateful for your support and encouragement.  While I have not chased readership numbers, and not used any of the recommended tricks/tools to gain readers, it was always reassuring to find that some generous folk dropped in and joined me and even left the occasional comment.

As and when I am able to return to putting up new posts I hope I shall find you guys again.

Have a most fabulous Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever festivals and celebrations may pertain to you.

e-hugs, Dave

So, This Gay Guy Tries to Pick Up This Other Guy - Not realising He's Straight....

A quick check of the calendar and, yes, it's true, it really is only 17 days to Christmas; for those who actually are Christian, or at least profess Christian faith or are just happy go with flow at this time of year and party.  It is also 16 days to the start of Hanukkah, with the nightly menorah lighting, eating latkes and sufganiot, amongst other delights, and either 4 days or 9 days to Mawlid (for Sunni and Shi'a Muslims, respectively) when some participate in large street parades and decorate homes and mosques to mark the birthday of The Prophet; though others believe the day is for reading the Quran, worship and contemplation.  In Brazil, Christmas occurs on Christmas Eve....counterintuitive?  Akin to much of Continental Europe, families assemble and celebrate on the evening of 24 December, enjoying excess of food (usually buffet style, with tables groaning under the weight of joints of meat, rice, pastas, maybe salads, cakes and sweets) accompanied by drink aplenty and surrounded by kith and kin.  The revelry will run into the early hours of Christmas Day but, to my surprise, when one arises from a few hours sleep for breakfast, the magic is gone....it's all over, just another day; indeed, those of the family who travelled for the festivities may depart as soon as breakfast is over.  While the concept of (and ability to fund!) "twelve days of Christmas" only really sustains in seasonal songs back in the UK, most people of my acquaintance still don their gay apparel of Christmas vivacity on the Eve, 24th, throw themselves bodily into the main celebration on 25th and then that spirit of fun, of magic, of things being just that little bit different and somehow special, runs to 1st January.  I loved it and miss it.

Brazilian homes also mark Christmas with just a tree, rather than the jolly decking of the halls that goes on in Europe and N America....our tree is up and one or two of our decs may be a touch different from yours; phots below.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

Meanwhile, this week's Blog words result from reading a piece in Gay Star News (gaystarnews.com) about a gay guy who fancied a fellow guest at his cousin's wedding, not knowing the chap's sexuality.  It raised the issue of what happens when a gay man tries to pick up a man he fancies outside the gay scene, or when a lesbian tries to pick up a girl?

A number of people, in discussion with me, have said that they are surprised that "gay villages/scenes" sustain, that they are surprised that we still have gay Pride events and continue other overt celebrations of our sexuality and community and protest issues of equality.  To them, often very supportive straight allies of the LGBT cause, in places such as the UK, much of Europe and the USA marriage equality has been achieved so we are now free to live within "normal" society, lay down our rainbow flags and pink feather boas and cruise the common or garden places of entertainment and enjoyment with all the other well adjusted members of polite society.

We have spoken of the sad, harsh realites of acceptance, inclusivity and integration in the real world, at street level, in previous posts, including those on Gay Identity and Gay Culture and on Coming Out....realities that often shock my decent minded, socially liberal friends who are only aware of the impressive advances in legislative or judicially ruled equality.  We have also spoken of the woeful, inhumane state of LGBT rights in many countries outside Western Europe and parts of N America and the need for us all to be cognisant of the urgency and immediacy of the fight for basic human dignity and rights for LGBT people in those countries.  In these previous posts you find some of the explanations due to those who fail to understand the need for LGBT issues to remain visible and vital in current politics and also gain some insight into why we often feel unable to "be ourselves" in majority society, even today and even in countries that lead the world in legislative LGBT equality, such as the UK.  In this post, however, I wish to tarry a while on the single issue of gay guys or girls trying to pick someone up in standard social venues or at parties, events.

This is one of those occasions on which I would love this to be a directly interactive experience, because I would wish to pose this question to my very wlecome straight readers, "How would you react if a gay guy/girl approached you in your local pub/bar and tried to pick you up?"  For me, the copybook answer to such an approach might be, "Actually, I'm straight, but thanks", and I know a number of readers would respond with just such decency and magnanimity.  It is the type of response for which one might hope in the above referenced "polite society", the beau monde or café society....but I fear it has not been and is unlikely to be universal across Wyoming or Texas, Luton or Birmingham or many places beyond, even in socially advanced countries.

In the first place, history cautions most of us that cruising a straight bar and trying to hit on a guy or, for a lesbian, a girl, can be a recipe for trouble and requires not inconsiderable courage.  If we had genuinely arrived at a time of understanding, acceptance and equality a simple no thanks from the subject of the amorous desires would suffice but, for many, even in this 21st Century it does not suffice.  Street level reality shows us that such an approach may well end in a verbal exchange or even fisticuffs.  It is one of the reasons we discussed in preceding posts for there continuing to be a place, an important place for gay scenes/villages in the LGBT world....we do not wish to affront some straight guy or girl, nor be the catalyst for volleys or vitriol or flurries of fists.

As a result, the interaction reported in GSN is quite amazing.  Chad tells us that he was attending his cousin's wedding when a stranger approached, asked his name and said, "....I just want you to know that I've noticed you all night.  I wanted to leave this with you before I left....".  With that, the stranger, Shane, handed him a piece of paper upon which he had written his number.  In talking to GSN, later, Chad commented that, "....I thought it was extremely brave and I know it's something I wouldn't be able to do.  I'm sharing this to remind everyone to live their lives without regrets.  Almost all of my regrets came from things I didn't do, not the things I did.  I will be living my life more like this man and I suggest you do as well....".  Chad was also decent enough to exchange a few messages with Shane:

Chad, "Hey, this is Chad from the wedding. I just wanted to let you know that I actually have a girlfriend but I thought it was really brave what you did.  Keep it up, I hope you're [you've] a good year".

Shane, "Hey Chad. I appreciate you responding man. It took me for ever to pony up the guts to do it. I really never thought that you would respond because I was so awkward the entire time. Your gf is a lucky gal".

Chad, "Thanks a lot. Keep it up it's so much better to live your life without the regrets of not doing those types of things even if they're scary at the time. I wish you the best and know you'll find someone soon. Have a great week".

A tale fit for the Festive Season.  Shane had not done anything to offend Chad and, indeed, Chad took no offence.  A simple thanks, but no thanks and both continued their lives none the worse and, in fact, both probably feeling a touch better about both gay and straight guys, respectively, and about humankind more generally.  If you've never found yourself in a minority, one that faces prejudice, faces discrimination and worse the importance of such a simple tale of decent folk may be a touch lost on you.  I have known many straight friends who have been cruised by gay guys, often other mates of mine, and a few who have had a gay man hit on them....and they each survived the episode, came out of the brush with danger unscathed and, in most cases, actually feeling pretty good about being fancied by a gay guy; yes, I've been asked by heterosexual mates whether "your guys would find me attractive or not"....asked by men who were entirely confident of and in their sexuality.  Until such maturity is the norm, few homosexuals will feel secure in approaching a man or woman in a straight bar and trying to pick them up and the need for the likes of London's Soho will remain; though I say that knowing that such scenes or villages are contracting or disappearing because the majority of gay men are now retiring behind the anonymity of dating/hook up sites, avoiding having to be seen in a gay area or be seen associating with gay people....though that is not to deny those who do meet longer term partners over such sites.

Meanwhile, with so much potentially disturbing news coming out of the USA, there have been headlines from which to draw hope....and it is truly a grievous thing to live without hope.  In the wake of the anti-LGBT laws (H.B.2) that were pushed through the North Carolina State Government, supported and signed into law by Governor Pat McRory, national LGBT groups garnered and marshalled support from across the USA against Gov McRory and his policies; we note that, as Mayor of Charlotte, Mr McRory worked on an ambitious right wing agenda including rolling back ballot access rules, imposing new abortions regulations, a private-school voucher plan, expanding rights of gun owners and alterations in taxes said to favour the richest in society.  He will now be replaced as Governor of NC by Democrat Mr Cooper and perhaps the crucial nail in the coffin for Mr McRory was the wave of practical support for the LGBT community from the arts, sports and some businesses that undercut his claim to be the best steward of the State's economy.  Major performers cancelled concerts in NC, the NBA moved its All Star Game out of state to New Orleans and the NCAA and ACC moved their sports championships out of NC.

Shadowing the amazing solidarity across different elements of US society and commerce in NC, the Texas Association of Business has warned the GOP in the State that pressing ahead with its planned anti-LGBT agenda could cost Texas up to $8.5Bn and 100,000 jobs; assuming similar national reactions visited upon NC.  Now, as many of the Texas homophobic proposals are purportedly founded on unwavering religious faith, vulgar concerns such as money and jobs should not be expected to have any impact on the pious Texas GOP members of State Legislatures....we shall have to wait and see and hopefully applaud the decent folk of the US who will again, as in North Carolina's case, stand up for civil rights and equality.  We also wait, watch and worry about what may transpire post January, when the USA, at national level will, have a Congress wherein the GOP has the most anti-LGBT platform in its history (according to one of its own, the then leader of the Log Cabin Republican group), when the then President's policy will have been shaped by a VP who has espoused directing funds away from HIV/AIDS care to fund "gay cure" organisations and when the then President will be one who has said he will sign into law Acts that would legalise discrimination against the LGBT community on "religious" grounds.  Such worrying times for our LGBT friends in the US, as well as others in that country.

OK....sufficient for this week, with other demands dragging me from the Blog page.  If you've made it thus far, with me, a huge thanks to you and warm e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate.

If Saturday and Sunday comprise your weekend and if work and other factors mean you can actually enjoy it, have a fabulous time and thanks for dropping in to join me.

"My friends will never believe I know two people with wrinkles....!" - Pondering Ageing Gays.

I am very touched by news of people having begun hunger strikes, special religious convocations being having been called and questions asked in the General Assembly of the United Nations as a result of me failing to get a post out last week!  My first such failure in a number of months.  I blame a combination of me having been swept up in the wild social melee and an attack of early onset dementia; though some would say, not "so" early!

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

The title of this week's post is a quote from my first meeting with a guy who is now a dear friend, Chris.  He delivered the line to me and the mutual friend who introduced us, Terry.  I was then in my mid forties, Terry in his late forties and his new mate, Chris, was touching twenty.  Terry was a shrewd judge of characters and was sure we'd all hit it off despite the age differences, so I met the two of them for a night out.  As ever, the night unfolded in the heart of London's eclectic, hedonistic, even Bacchanalian Soho district (see the earlier posts, Fancy a Night Out on London's Soho Scene - Parts 1 and 2).  Hours passed, drinks were drunk and sharp, witty banter swirled like snow in a blizzard...and, en passant, guys were cruised.  As the witching hour drew nigh Chris had to head home, so we all took our leave of the pulsating Village Bar.  After goodbye hugs in the biting Autumn wind, on the junction of Old Compton Street and Wardour Street, our new young friend took a step back and paused, apparently scrutinising Terry and I.  Light from the street lamps played over our faces which, now wet from the soft drizzle that hung in the air like a mist, appeared to glisten.

"No, my friends will never believe it," Chris said, drawing quizzical looks from us both.

"Believe what?" I took the bait.

"My friends will never believe I know two people with wrinkles!" Chris reeled us in and delivered the killer blow!

When I was younger there was a common expression on gay scenes, "Where do all the gays go after forty?"  At that time, around 2002, a foray onto London's Soho scene would leave one thinking many a true word spoken in jest.  Where were the more "mature" guys?

Me at around 44 or 45 years old. Be kind!

Admittedly, I was then 44 but routinely told by friends that I was passable for my age; once I'd plied them with sufficient drinks!  The Soho scene was more or less bereft of longer served men, guys in their late 40s/50s and upwards.....other than in Comptons bar, which opened in 1986, preceding the evolution of the Soho gay village and wherein its ground floor bar was more earthy, gritty and attracted an older crowd (as well as bears and some leather boys) and the Admiral Duncan, where the entertainment included trad drag acts and numbered some older guys amongst its clientele.  Akin to every "scene" I have experienced or of which I have heard tell, Soho was fixated on youth and beauty.  The scene represented safety, it was liberating, vivacious, irrepressibly hedonistic and its magnetic aura of hope and anticipation was palpable (forgive what may appear as hyperbole, but to many of us the scene was just that, all of those things, for guys who had struggled with the fears of coming out and had lived a lifetime of deception and dissembling, yearning for the sense of identity and belonging that Soho delivered - see the two posts on Coming Out and the two posts on a Night Out in Soho)....but, on the other hand, the scene could be superficial, witheringly judgemental, uncharitable and unforgiving and, to the older gay man, it could appear prohibitively forbidding.

Photo creds GSN - Hope the FABULOUS
Mr Graham Norton won't mind!

Huffington Post recently reported on the work of Dr MC LaSala, of Rutgers University, who explained that ageing was particularly difficult for gay men because they are members of a community that is so focused on youth and beauty.  The challenges of growing old are not exclusive to gay man, that wasn't Dr LaSala's point and it is not mine, but those challenges can be harder to bear if one lives on/within a gay scene where the greatest value is ascribed to those things that diminish as the years increase....youth and beauty.  It is dangerous and divisive for a social group to found itself on one measure of worth, youthful sexual attraction in this case, and elements of that community suffer as a result.  Over dependence on just one superficial measure renders that group vulnerable to fracture....in the saying quoted above, that fracture opened up in the forties, when gay men were expected to hobble away, expected to "....get thyself to a nunnery...."; if you will allow me to be rather loose with the words spoken by Shakespear's Hamlet to Ophelia, as the suggested lifestyles for older gays and Ophelia would have shared some similar characteristics!  Indeed, a study by YouGov in 2011, commissioned by the UK charity Stonewall, showed that gay and bisexual men over 55 years of age are:  three times more likely to be single than their heterosexual counterparts; more likely to live alone (41% compared to 28% for heterosexual counterparts); less likely to see members of their biological family on a weekly basis (25% compared to 50%) and are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression or anxiety.  A sad picture.

That said, while the perception of life for older gays and the harsh reality highlighted by Stonewall may derive in large part from the scene's obsession with the young and beautiful, I venture to suggest that there was another reason for it in the 1990s and early 2000s, a reason that offers hope for a better life for gay men in their "golden years".  Every day sees new history being made and, while LGBT history has progressed at a more sluggish pace than many comparables, the late 20th and early 21st century have seen rainbow rights beam bold and bright in the skies over many countries in Europe and North America; though, I note with necessary caution and chagrin, that LGBT rights remain mired in suspicion, hatred and prejudice born of ignorance and often religious bigotry in many other parts of the world.  Across ever increasing swathes of the Northern Hemisphere the 1990s and 2000s, the LGBT community has moved every closer to equality....one step at a time, but less faltering, stronger and more confident advances at each pace.  With this has come the development of gay scenes and a greater acceptance by society as a whole of those of different sexualities; though, once again, look back at the two previous posts on Coming Out to gain a sense of the challenges that remain and how many young gay men and women are still cast out, rejected by those they love for being honest about their sexuality.  What began as a bold, blush pink trickle of gay men and women coming out in parts of Europe and North America rapidly turned into a veritable rainbow cascade and "villages" such as London's Soho blossomed in the 1990s.  As so often happens, while the road to this social revolution had been bravely, selflessly illuminated by gay men of all ages over the years the swelling of the ranks was down to young men and women proclaiming, screaming that they proud to be gay.  These youngsters had been brought up in the modern era, had been differently "socialised" (to employ an inelegant term from the social sciences) and did not suffer from self doubt and self esteem issues in the same way as their elders; I shall discuss the part played by the media and role models in this in a future post.

While older gay men and women of the 1990s were still the product of their time and social context, younger gays threw themselves into the safe zone and treasure chest of the newly emerging gay villages and, as a result, it was no surprise that such environments were dominated by the young and beautiful.  By the same token, those late teen or early twenties gay boys of the 1990s are now in their 40s and 50s and each generation that trips the light fantastic on Soho's incandescent, skin tingling streets grows older; not even pink fairy dust can hold back time.  The difference is that many gays who are now in their 40s and 50s matured (....?!) in the Bacchanalian boiling pot of gay scenes such as Soho and, while there were no, or few older gays on the scenes in those days such older gay men of today are still out and proud and been so for years, decades.  They may sashay onto the eclectic, frenetic and fabulous sidewalks of Soho et al less frequently, "been there, done that", he they not feel cowed by the youth of today, do not feel they must eschew the scene's occasional allure because they are one of the "two people with wrinkles"....because these streets were their streets, they had long since found safety, identity and a sense of belonging there, found honest, untrammeled lust and love in the arms and beds of fellow gay men from the scene.  They will not get themselves to a nunnery, will not "go gentle into that good night", as Dylan Thomas might have it, because they have already won their star spangled spurs, earned their membership of that rainbow realm and will immerse themselves in it as and when fancy the takes, still laughing and loving and, perhaps, wistfully watching the same people with different faces doing as they did in earlier years.  The (to me, saddening) post script to older men on the scene, in fact to anyone on the scene, is that gay villages are shrinking and disappearing.  This is not because we are now able to live our lives within the broader straight world (see earlier posts on Gay Identity and Culture), but because just when acceptance amongst the broader community is improving, slowly, gay men are retiring behind computer screens to find corporeal communion and, perhaps, longer term partners over dating/hook-up sites, with research showing a significant number do this in order to avoid "coming out".  I find this rather counter-intuitive and, sad; but one man's view who is a product of his time!

Lastly, we should also note the impact of changes in the law to allow Civil Partnerships in many countries and full blown, grown up marriage equality in countries more wedded to the concept of equality and common civil rights.  In such civilised parts of this new world, the lucky ones (such as the guy tapping away at this Blog) have been lucky enough not just to find the love of their life but to fully exploit the legal process to secure and cement that relationship; in my case, we have lived together for over 13 years and been married under UK law for 10 years (as they legally backdated the marriage to the date of our initial Civil Partnership).  With so many gay men and women emotionally and earnestly embracing the equality of the marriage ceremony relationships can more readily mature into long term, life long commitments and slash the number of older gay men ending their lives single and living alone.

Well, that's more than sufficient for this week and I should let you kind folk who have stayed with me this far on today's Blog escape....after thank you e-hugs or manly embraces from me, as appropriate.

If Saturday and Sunday comprise your weekend and work allows you the luxury of enjoying same, have a fabulous one.

Gay in Brazil and Its NE Region....Not What Most People Would Expect!

On the heels of last week's post about issues facing the USA's LGBT community in a future under Pres Elect Trump's leadership, the daily feed of observations and leaks from Mr Trump's transition team threatened to befuddle and dumbfound us.  It almost led me to a follow on post on the situation in the US....but, NO!  I promised we would get back to other aspects of LGBT life and experience today and I shall adhere to that; marking me out as a total failure as a politician!

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

You all know Brazil.  Aside from the soccer World Cup of 2014 and the Olympics of this year, you see this South American giant covered routinely by news media that focus on what I call the "Four Ss" of sun, samba, soccer, sex; putting aside the endemic corruption, that permeates almost all levels of life, here, and which has drawn considerable international interest in 2016.  In fact, of the countries I have visited and lived/worked in, Brazil (particularly its NE Region) is probably the most dedicated to fun and frolicking, squeezing every last drop of enjoyment from the Four Ss; in which ever order they are offered....that often being a function of the amount of beer or other alcohol that has been imbibed.

We have all seen coverage of the Carnaval celebrations, near Bacchanalian annual revelries that are a true homage to the worship of hedonism and excess.  Given this very broad brush picture of the Brazilian social landscape, and mindful of the previous Blog posts about Gay Identity and Culture and about the "night out" on London's Soho scene that we enjoyed together, you might very reasonably conclude that the LGBT community would be entirely at home in sultry Brazil.  Such a determination is supported by the sort of pictures beamed around the world during Carnaval, usually from Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paulo, with almost naked men and women cavorting in the streets, displaying themselves for all to view and enjoy; in fact, the advert that plays on TV throughout Carnaval, at all times of day (no watershed), shows the most famous Carnaval samba Queen body painted, naked, save for the smallest invisible appliqué over her vagina, (now there's a word I didn't expect to use in this Blog) dancing about with everything on display and giggling about.

Yes, it all sounds like home from home for guys who enjoy the life on the gay scene....but I fear that that is woefully far from the reality.

On the surface, Brazil appears at least as enlightened as the USA in regard to LGBT rights; currently!  Under the leadership of the courageous champion of equality, Joaquim Barbosa, the Supreme Federal Tribunal of Brazil (it's Supreme Court) ruled in favour of marriage equality in 2013; the country having had Civil Partnerships since 2004.  As an aside, ex-Chief Justice Barbosa is a fascinating man...the first black man to be appointed to the Supreme Federal Tribunal (in a country that has the largest black population in the world outside Nigeria), he was born to a poor family, was educated in the state school system and worked as a cleaner and typist to support himself through university; I am a fan.  That said, as is the case in almost all countries (as we discussed in various posts) there is significant, disturbing dissonance between legislative or judicial ruling and street level reality, a serious gap; or a chasm, in Brazil's case.

The harsh reality is that Brazil is reported to have one the highest rates of violence against LGBT people in the world.  Some claim Brazil accounts for up to 45% of reported incidents of anti-gay violence world wide.  The lead organisation in monitoring these distressing figures in the Grupo Gay da Bahia, deriving its statistics from national state and local news media, with references kept to support their findings.  The group says that close to 1,600 "LGBT" were killed in Brazil in the four years up to 2016, about one a day!  The work of Grupo Gay da Bahia led to the New York Times running an article entitled, "Brazil Facing an Epidemic of Anti-Gay Violence", in July of this year.  The horrific homophobic attacks related in the piece included:  the charred bodies of two teachers found in the boot/trunk of a burned out car in Bahia State; a 24 year old retail clerk bludgeoned and "stoned" to death near Rio; a 21 year old in the Amazon Region who had a large knife plunged deep into his neck and was then left to die.

In this land of contradictions (and I am conscious that there are few countries to which one could not apply that epithet) legalised gay marriage, legal gay adoption and the largest annual Pride march in the world in Sao Paulo are countered by disgraceful levels of homophobic abuse and violence.  Brazil is a land in which the "men are men", where some prey on homosexuals and misogyny is common place; particularly in the largely rural, more "traditional" Regions such as the NE.  While it has higher levels of female involvement at the top levels of business and in politics than the USA (until the ex President was ousted, recently) Brazil also suffers astounding levels of violence against women with 4,762 female homicides in 2013, a rate of 4.8 per 100,000, 48 times higher than in the USA.

While on the one hand Brazil is a wonderfully warm, hugely welcoming, "chilled out", sexually liberated land where you live to have fun, on the other we find strict Evangelical and Pentecostal Christians comprising close to 25% of its population and, when added to the Roman Catholics, who number 60+% of the population, you identify a key component of the roadblock to LGBT acceptance.  Indeed, as these religious blocks also carry great weight in the Federal Congress you better understand why marriage equality came through the judiciary and not the legislature; mirroring the USA.  Some, amongst these Christian groups, have gone so far as to call for a rolling back of LGBT rights, rewriting the Constitution to deny gay marriage and even talking of re-criminalising homosexual acts.  This context of disparaging and demonising the LGBT community leaves it vulnerable and, in the eyes of some, legitimises the persecution of its members.  Leaders around the world, most particularly in the USA in the months ahead need to understand that giving voice to prejudice against minority communities can be and is interpreted by some as legitimising discriminatory acts and hate crimes; "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"

With many apparently perceiving LGBT people as less equal, even "less human", our community lies vulnerable not only to verbal and physical abuse, but also other forms of exploitation.  We attended the last night of a small town long-weekend festival a few years ago, in the rural heartland of our State of Sergipe.  In the dying hours of the extremely successful event, which pulsated with fun and buoyed one's spirits immensely, we were in the open area at the entrance to the town, akin to a town square, which was the centre of the festivities.  With many now winding their way back home, still dancing and singing as they staggered and stumbled, my attention was drawn to the fact that a noticeable number of adult males, bracketing mid 20s to 50s, were walking into the dense tree line and bushes that boarded the square on two sides.  It was about midnight and, beyond the reach of the festivals lights, was black as coal.  Seizing the rare opportunity of a pause in my husband's conversation with assembled friends, I asked whether what I thought I was seeing meant anything.  The answer was yes.  What I was witnessing was "quite common" in the rural areas, where men would sometimes take the most effeminate looking youths, late teens, into the bushes for sex before returning home to wife and family.  While some of these adult males may have been gay, but unable to come out in such a society, I can understand that others were straight and that the act of sexual intercourse with a perceived gay youth was about power and dominance rather than resulting from normal sexual motivation.  My husband, or friends, will also often point to this or that chap as we walk around our City and say, "Oh, that's X, he's married to a girl who lives very close to my parents and he's had sex with two of my [male] friends".

Sex, in Brazil (or, at least, the NE Region), is a more open and common topic of conversation amongst both men and women, from a young age, and the atmosphere is much more sexually charged than most places I have experienced. Sex is not just about love and/or procreation but is a desire that must be satiated in this way or that.  As a result, having sex with a gay guy, even if not gay yourself, is not uncommon as the gay guy is deemed a lesser person, an object, a sort of living, breathing "blow up doll", and many will pay for the experience in cash or with gifts.

This approach to sex, added to the misogynistic character of some areas, also results in one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancies in the world.  Brazil is one of the seven countries that account for almost half the world's 15-19 year old adolescent births; the others being Bangladesh, the DRC, Ethiopia, India, Nigeria and the USA (figures from the World Health Organisation).  Without any detail, I might note that we know of girls just within our circle of acquaintances who have become pregnant younger than 15.

Lastly, I'll bring it home and talk about our City, Aracaju, capital City of Sergipe State.  The City comprises about half a million....but not only has it no "gay scene", it has no gay bar!  Apart from one dust covered, disused warehouse with cheap, white plastic garden furniture on its bare concrete floor which is owned by lesbians and described as "gay friendly" (as well as being exorbitantly expensive, charging entry fee and above average bar prices!) there is nothing.  Nothing, in a City of half a million.  There have been attempts to make "gay bars" work, but they have all failed.  As a result, gay guys resort to GRINDR and similar web sites, they still use "cottages" (public toilets known as places to pick up other gay guys) and meet in homes.  While we know many who will grudgingly voice an understanding of adolescents thinking they are gay (perhaps necessary to excuse "straight" men having sex with them) and even of transvestites, they will explain that the teenagers are simply too young to know what they are doing and that transvestites are so extreme as to be outside normal society.  What such people will not accept is that "normal" people can be gay.  That thinking, adjusted, sentient members of society can be gay....and, as a result, no gay scene has got off the ground in our City.  In fact, our little home has become perhaps the nearest thing to a "gay scene" since we completed work on our own dance club behind the house.  We invite mates to meet here and drink, chat and dance to excellent sets of House genre dance music that my hubby puts together; no charge, obviously as guests are friends.  Such events usually kick off around 22-23.00 and run to breakfast.  The crowd is great and hugely appreciative of having somewhere to meet, dance, have fun, maybe hook up with someone and, crucially, to feel safe!

The vid is a surreal capture of a lights test in the club....not using one of the phots with faces showing.  Irrespective of external issues and challenges, we make damned sure we have a wonderful time!

So....gay in Brazil and in the North East in particular, not what most people would expect!

Enough, enough, I hear you cry!  If you've stayed with this to the end of this post, huge vote of thanks to you and I'm sending e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate!  I'd love to think that you might join me again for the next post, end of the coming week.

Until then, if Saturday and Sunday comprise your weekend and work allows you to enjoy same, make the most of it and have a fabulous weekend.

Has the Advance Towards LGBT Equality in the USA Been Trumped?

Hi and welcome.  Many thanks to you for taking the time to drop in and join me in the Blog.  This post is going to be a touch different from the norm.  As you know, if a "returner", I hope that my efforts amuse and strike a chord with fellow members of the LGBT community and, most importantly, shine an honest light onto aspects of gay life that will enhance the understanding of straight readers and debunk some of the ill informed, often hostile perceptions that abound out there.  I seek to achieve this through anecdotal, easy reading and at times humorous posts...but this week will be a little different; normal service to be resumed next week!

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

You may recall a quote from the fabulous, watershed TV series "Queer as Folk" (the original UK version) in the post, 'A Gay Identity and Gay Culture, Really....in 2016? - PART 1', when Stuart (played by Game of Thrones Aidan Gillen) confronts Vince (played by Craig Kelly) in a bar and decries and denigrates him in the most venomous way a gay man can, saying, "....You're just a straight man, Vince.  You're a straight man who f***s men....".  The full context can be found in the above post from 02/09/16 (or 09/02/16 for my US readers), but what Stuart means is that one's sexuality may be homosexual but being "gay" refers to a positive lifestyle choice and, implicitly, to being part of that community's struggle for equal rights.  Well, by Stuart's definition, the writer of this Blog is gay and, as such, it would be abrogating my responsibility as a gay man to simply turn a Nelsonian eye to this weeks events in the USA and their potential impact upon the US LGBT community....and beyond, as I know, from personal experience, that the Obama Administration State Department has done sterling work in pushing for and advising on LGBT rights in countries around the world.

As ever, what follows is but one gay guy's perspective of the issues, derived from personal experience, reading and discussion....and that's really all any of have to offer.

At the outset, let me say very clearly that the US electorate has spoken.  President Elect Trump has won an impressive, historic victory.  While Secretary Clinton seems to have won the popular vote (60, 467,245 to 60,071,650 as at 04.01 Fri 11 Nov), and despite having a Presidential/Congressional rather than Parliamentary democracy, the US does not work on the direct principle of one person-one vote, it works through the Electoral College system and, by that measure, President Elect Trump achieved an amazing victory on Tuesday.  On top of that, the electorate returned GOP/Republican majorities to both the House of Representatives and the Senate.  Mr Trump's party holds the Executive and the Legislature and one of the most important results of that, perhaps the most enduring, is that they will fill the vacant ninth seat on the Supreme Court of the USA (SCOTUS).  The current balance of the Court is four "liberal" and four "conservative" Justices (all of whom are either Jewish or Roman Catholic) but, with a GOP White House and Hill, the vacant ninth seat will tilt SCOTUS to the right, once more....and that may only be the start.  With the two senior "liberal" Justices currently 78 and 83 years old, some expect the Trump Administration to fill up to three seats on the Court; the implications of which are considerable and long lasting.

So, the Electoral College system has spoken, very clearly, and what I want to do here is share some thoughts on what that might portend for LGBT people in the USA and their struggle for equality; in the "land of the free", wherein "all men are created equal" with "certain unalienable rights".

If you have followed the long, long running TV spectacular that has been the 2014 to 2016 Presidential Election campaign there has been one loud, clear and sustained message from Mr Trump's team....change!  Out with the establishment, the political insiders; writ LARGE.  Indeed, if one adds the energised followers of Bernie Sanders (with whom, in the interest of full disclosure, I admit that my heart, if not my head, lay during the Primary season) to those who voted for Mr Trump you get a clear picture of the majority in the USA wanting change, a new direction, away from the merry-go-round of the traditional Washington political village; a desire mirrored by the majority in the UK, who appear to hold similar views about the London/Westminster insiders.  In light of this, many may have been elated to hear the President Elect announce that he will "drain the swamp" of Washington insiders....only days later, however, I might be naughty and suggest that the swamp is being drained by puling inhabitants from it and placing them firmly in Mr Trump's transition team.

The team that will help shape policy formation and the new Administration is replete with Washington's "usual suspects" from such as the Heritage Foundation, staffers from the Pres Bush Administration and the wheelers and dealers of K Street (party-central for DC's army of lobbyists and think tanks) etc.  Some establishment types may see this as reassuring, showing that President Elect Trump can, indeed, be a very traditional politician and run from his campaign positions as soon as the vote is counted.  Others may derive a different sort of comfort from the strategy, recognising the fact that Mr Trump has never served in elected office and needs insider, experienced counsel and worker bees.

In January, Elizabeth Warren said, "Personnel is policy" and, as some saw Mr Trump's campaign as notably short on policy specifics and detail, that may be particularly apposite for his transition team.  So, having set the scene, how might those resultant policies impact upon the issue of LGBT rights and equality over the next four years; and beyond, in recognition of the impact of the SCOTUS appointments?

Though it has not always been the case, many might expect that first amongst policy advisers and shapers will be the 45th President's Vice-President, Republican veteran, Governor Mike Pence.  The Washington political village is already alive with talk of him being an unusually influential and powerful VP.  The VP Elect has made no secret of his position on LGBT issues.  In 2006 he said that being gay is a "choice" and he supports the idea that we homosexual guys and girls can not only choose to stop being gay but should be helped in so doing.  He supports "conversion therapy" and, in 2000, he said that he was in favour of redirecting funds from HIV and AIDS work to provide "conversion therapy".  Governor Pence voted for the Marriage Protection Amendment 2006, which would have prevented gay marriage equality across the US, believing that stopping gay couples marrying was in support of "God's idea".  In 2007 Governor Pence, then in the House of Representatives, voted against the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), which sought to prohibit work place discrimination based on sexual orientation, saying that the law "wages war on freedom and religion".  As the 50th Governor of Indiana he signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, seen by people across the USA as legalising anti-LGBT discrimination; though he was forced to sign an amendment intended to protect the LGBT community later.  Vice President Elect Pence's position seems to clear, evident in word and act.

But what of the man himself?  What is the stance on the future 45th President of the United States of America on LGBT issues?  As well as moving his political affiliations between Republican, Democratic, Reform and Independent movements, the oldest man to assume the Presidency has also shifted his position on LGBT matters.  He was once considered something of a moderate, but now appears to have adopted a position more in line with the populist foundations of his power base; smacks of pretty conventional, traditional politicking to me?  In January, he told Fox News that he would "strongly consider" appointing Justices who would overturn marriage equality laws and his short list of potential appointees is staunchly conservative, most known to be vehement opponents of same sex marriage.  Time and again, during the campaign, the future President told his supporters that he was for "traditional marriage".  We can expect that socially conservative Justices will become the majority and that marriage equality will be struck down.

Mr Trump has said he supports and will sign a First Amendment Defence Act (FADA) if passed by Congress.  Known as the religious freedom laws, FADA would effectively legalise anti-LGBT discrimination, including amongst employers, businesses, landlords and health care providers....as long as they claim to be motivated by firmly held religious beliefs; overturning President Obama's Executive Order of 2014 prohibiting anti-LGBT discrimination amongst Federal contractors.  It rather goes without saying that the hope of getting ENDA onto the statute books in such circumstances will vanish....not that there was chance of that under a GOP Congress anyway, as the vast majority of the Party believes that employers should be allowed to hire and fire on the basis of sexual orientation and that landlords should be able to allocate or deny housing on the grounds of sexual orientation.  I know I am not a US citizen, but it does sound perplexing, counterintuitive, to be talking about a fight against being denied work or denied housing because of one's sexuality in this century in the USA.

Beyond the President Elect and Vice President Elect, as Mr Trump is filling his policy forming transitional team with many of the usual suspect, insider, Washington political elite Republicans and as the GOP will rule The Hill, we also have to make some mention of the broader party agenda on LGBT issues.  The Executive Director of the Log Cabin Republicans (LCR), Gregory T Angelo, pronounced the GOP's platform "the most anti-LGBT in history".  The LCR is a group of gay Republicans who seek to advance the cause of LGBT equality from within the party....so it was a Republican calling his own party's platform the most anti'LGBT in history.  The key elements of the platform are:  overturning SCOTUS' ruling of 2015 legalising gay marriage; ensuring it is legal to discriminate against LGBT people, denying ENDA and enacting FADA; discourage gay adoption and make "conversion therapy" legal for minors.

Lastly, some of greatest fears revolve not around the specifics, but about the social context of the LGBT fight in the wake of Mr Trump's election and the return of a GOP Congress.  I do not believe everyone who voted for Mr Trump or other GOP candidates is a bigot.  Most certainly not.  I know I number one of them amongst my mates and think it likely there are two others.  They are simply of the opinion that the interests of the people of the USA are best served by Mr Trump and the GOP.  I do not go along with the current trend of seeing any political opponent as traitorous, as posing an existential threat to the nation.  No, I entirely accept that they want the best for their country and its people but have divergent views on how to achieve that.

While I am clear that not all those who voted for Mr Trump are bigots, however, I do think that the bigots, racists and misogynists who did vote probably voted for him.  My fear is for leaders who forget that words can be weapons, they can be interpreted as supporting and, indeed, legitimising certain bigoted, racist, misogynistic actions; "who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"  If X won the vote, that must make it OK for me to do this or that, we know he supports it, really, listen to his words.  In the wake of the UK's BREXIT vote the police reported a significant, disgraceful, despicable spike in hate crimes.  I fear that the rhetoric deployed during the campaign, which may be repeated as each of the above policy issues is kicked around the floors of the House and Senate, will be interpreted by some as legitimising illegal discriminatory actions, including violence.  Police are already investigating reports that Mr Chris Ball, a film producer, was brutally beaten in Santa Monica by alleged Trump supporters, hours after the election result, with the attackers shouting, "We got a new President you f***ing f****ts"....ie 'this is OK now because of our leader's views about your sort'.  Leaders have to realise that the rhetoric they deploy to "play (pander) to their base" is heard by all and it can foment hatred, it can be taken as legitimising discrimination and even violence.  This I fear, in the coming months and years of President Elect Trump's Administration.

Right....different from the norm, but I felt a responsibility, duty, if you will, to focus briefly on such a momentous event as Mr Trump's impressive, historic win this week.

I do thank you, most sincerely, for joining me and I send e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate.  Next week I shall return to the usual character of the Blog....and, remember, if you have specific questions about anything relating the gay lifestyle, the LGBT community, then please pose them through the comments facility below or other comms means if we know each other.  Assuming it is within my experience, you will read as honest an answer as I can give in an ensuing post.

If Saturday and Sunday are your weekend and if work demands allow, have a fabulous one and ENJOY.

Pecs, Biceps and Butts, the Gay Man's Workout and His Fixation on Physique, Face and Fashion

Another week has advanced into late middle age already, with less than half its life still to run, so it is time to throw another post up on your screen.  Many thanks to you for taking the time to pause and peruse it.  I cross my fingers that you'll enjoy the read and by all means feel free to comment, if you feel so moved.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

Reports tell us that two of the most common of causes for divorce in straight marriages are money troubles and infidelity.  In gay marriages, its when one of the guys looks better in a pair of the other's jeans!  So goes the joke but, as we all know, many a true word is spoken in jest.  Much of the world perceives gay man to be obsessed with the superficial, with looks and apparel, so this post will offer one homosexual's take on the reality of gay man's fixation on physique, face and fashion.

You may have heard of the "Holy Trinity" in Cajun or Creole cooking, meaning onions, bell-peppers and celery, well, the holy trinity in a gay man's gym work out is often said to be pecs, biceps and butts.  Overheard from a gay mate to his new personal trainer, as the latter sought to explain his approach to designing a workout, "Dear, don't tell me about pecs, biceps and butts, I'm gay, I can teach you about how to best fill those treasure chests."  Yes, mea culpa, I hold my hand up and admit that gay guys living on the scene are more fixated upon, fastidious about gym training than most straight guys (huge generalisation, just from personal experience)....and it is for a purpose.

Shortly after departing the Colours (leaving the Army) I recall sitting in Costa Coffee, on Old Compton Street, in London's Soho, with a mate I'd made through the gym and talking about the relative merits of, proportions of time to be set down to cardio-vascular and muscle work to achieve optimum fitness levels.  He interjected, "Darling, walk away, leave your past behind, I don't invest hours in these [he bends his arms and tenses his biceps to cause them to pop] to be fit, bless you, you funny old thing, no, their only purpose is to attract suitable playmates."  (....and, as an aside, I must put up a post based on my time, post military service, working as the junior waiter in the café of this gym, a fabulous gay gym in London's Covent Garden area!)

My years on the gay scene opened my eyes to a culture of striving, striving for that perfect body with everything cut, defined, in proportion (I hated guys who looked like an Olympic athlete from the waist up, only to disrobe them and find they teetered on pair of Flamingo like legs)....and the reason for all this sweat and grunting, well, there are three related (dependant?) facets to that answer.  On the one hand, the obvious purpose of attracting a sexual partner, then, hand in glove with that, if you can improve the packaging it should elevate your position on the food chain (the fabled attraction rankings) and allow you to invite a better class of paramour.  For that to be accepted and exploited, however, the last element is key.

Tightening and toning your physique can make you feel better about yourself, so much better, it can enhance self belief and self confidence, empowering you to harvest the benefits of that new, improved body.  Problem is, gay man (or most of us) is afflicted by a paranoia about comparative size and shape (of physique!), about how others see us and better is never good enough, it is never enough.  If you cast an eye around the gym or the bar or the club, not to cruise the talent (well, of course to cruise, when does one not - but not primarily for that, this time....unless....) but to gauge the human terrain, the landscape of physiques that set the corporeal context, you see "them", everyone else, as Taylor Lautners or Daniel Graigs (added for my husband!).  The measure, is "them", always "them"!

Psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey has coined the descriptive and wholly apposite term Compare and Despair Disorder for what I describe above.  I also note the painfully true observation of Iyanta Vanzant, an author, speaker and TV personality in the US, who said, "Comparison is an act of violence against the self."  That pretty much marks out the whole of scene living gay guys as masochists and, while rich pickings for comedians, Dempsey's concept of the Compare and Despair Disorder can be very real and have a deleterious impact on general and mental health.  As a part of this, while one assumes that most guys who take "social" or "recreational" drugs do so primarily for the reported euphoric and relaxing properties of the chemicals, the substances also act as appetite suppressants, aiding the constant, sometimes overwhelming imperative of achieving an ever more attractive physique (I talk a touch more about drugs on the gay scene in the post, Fancy a Night Out in London's Soho and Beyond - PART 2....the best received post, to date).

At this juncture, I should stress that the above relates to the most extreme levels of the gay man's earnest pursuit of the best possible physique and that, for most, the fixation is entirely controllable and can be of benefit; being the catalyst for regular, serious exercise.  A similar good cop/bad cop picture can be painted for gay man's quest for facial beauty and fashion fabulousness (yes, it is a word!).  Apart from the bastards (oops....!) who could look good in a black bin bag/trash bag (does Prada make a black bin bag?), most of us mere mortals require to add bells and whistles to what nature has dealt us.

Would you....?

The beauty and fashion industries are huge.  The beauty industry was estimated to be worth around £17bn to the UK in 2014 (CEW for Raconteur, published in The Times) and about £300bn worldwide, with fashion contributing around £26bn to the UK's GDP in 2014 and worth up to $3tn globally (yes, trillion, which equates to about £1.8tn at a rough average for 2014 exchange rates).  The Pink Pound (an industry description of gays' disposable income, not a gay measurement of weight) and Pink Profit are in sharp focus in the fashion and beauty industries, because 'out' gays are able to brandish greater disposable income per capita than straight counterparts and spend considerably higher proportions on these delicious consumables; estimates of amounts vary widely between publications, but all agree on the fact that gay guys exceed straight in both areas.

Clothes shopping....is one of the wonders of the world; as long as you have the cash to indulge your fancies, as I hate just window shopping!  While I was by no means excessively indulgent, in this regard, during the years between leaving the Army and meeting my husband I admit that every stitch I owned (including shoes, socks, underwear etc) was from fashion labels!

Opening of the London Store

You get a sense of this in a copy/paste from the earlier post, Fancy a Night Out in London's Soho and Beyond - PART 1, "....for a Saturday night out, the product of such effort [gym time] was clad in Ted Baker black leather flat fronted shoes, Evisu blue jeans, Armani black leather belt, Abercrombie and Fitch black tight fitting T-shirt and Versace blue jean (gold thread) jacket; all set against the alluring background of the Abercrombie and Fitch Fierce fragrance...."  Though not mentioned in that post, the socks were Polo Ralph Lauren and the underwear Calvin Klein or Dolce and Gabanna.  Clothes, in and of themselves, are important to gay man but so, too, is "the look".  While all the above labels were acceptable and my wardrobe was mixed, when single, I was a sucker for brand loyalty and was ensnared by Abercrombie and Fitch for many years.  At that time, there was no "flagship store" on Saville Row, London, as there is now, so if you wore the genuine article it meant you had bought it in the USA; or had persuaded a "trolly dolly" mate to do so for you.  A&F became something of a uniform for casual dress on the London gay scene, partly for that reason but also because of their branding and advertising; "explained" as showing the body straight guys wanted to have....it also showed the body gay guys wanted to have, though ascribing different meaning to "have"!

The scene is a judgemental, often superficial jungle in which such things matter and, in addition to that, gay guys just like fabulous things; though it's probably true to say that if what is underneath is evidently of superior quality, that will still carry the day no matter what the wrapping....as fine physique and face are the most fabulous things of all (a statement one would expect to be indisputable, but I may relate a tale that will prove it in error in a future post)!  In addition to the fashion, one adds beauty items.  Though I stopped using them when I moved to the coast of NE Brazil (nothing adheres to the face or body in this year round heat!), I used to revel in corporeal care with facial and body potions and spells!  For many years, the rather expensive house of Sisley, Paris, was the 'coven' of choice.

Yes, we spend a damned fortune on fashion and beauty and there's no problem with that....unless, as with the eternal quest for the Holy Grail of bodies (your own, not the play thing you cruise for at the club), it truly becomes a fixation, an addiction that can suck the life out of your bank balance and lead one into all manner of difficulties.  Shopaholics are as ill as many of those enslaved by other obsessions and lives can be ruined by the insatiable hits of retail "therapy".  The Compare and Despair Disorder can, indeed, result in despair if it goes beyond delightful self indulgence and represents genuine dependence on this or that fix.  I have seen it and it's sad, heartbreaking.

For most of us, however, the fixation on physique, face and fashion leaves us healthier than would otherwise be the case, looking more gorgeous than would otherwise be the case (as well as poorer than would otherwise be the case!) and necessarily matched to the demands of the glorious, glamorous gay scene....because, if you're not up to snuff, some bitchy evil queen will set about you with words that will wither and wilt!  To bastardise the words of the Earl of Surrey in the TV series, The Tudors, who says, "I am a Howard, your Grace, it is expected of me and always has been", I would opine, "We are gay, it is expected of us and always has been". (and the phot, right, is Hadrien Mazelier, from Bananas Models, wearing Abercrombie and Fitch and it took much web searching to find a usable phot of an A&F model with his shirt on, looking like a chap heading into Soho....though A&F seems to be distancing itself, somewhat, from the topless branding as part of its response to significant falls in turnover and earnings after years of burgeoning success....even the model that greets at the door of the flagship London store now wears a shirt).

So, another week ready for the screen.  Immense thanks to you for joining me and I send huge e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate.  I do hope that you found the post engaging, interesting and, if straight, perhaps enlightening.  Next week's offering may be one of the two I trail above, either my experiences as junior waiter in the café of a gay gym in London, or, exploring, from (laundered) experience, when that irresistible face and body are not the "most fabulous things of all".

If Saturday and Sunday are your weekend, and work allows you to indulge in weekend pleasures, ENJOY.

Can Gay Guys Really Have Platonic Friendships with Straight Guys?

Another week flown by and the next post hits the screens.  Huge thanks to all who popped in to peruse last week's musings.  I greatly appreciate you taking the time and hope that you find the posts interesting and/or entertaining; perhaps even enlightening, for straight readers, a number of whom have been generous enough to comment very positively and also pose questions over FB messenger or email....and one such question is the topic for this week's subject.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights.  If you do, and you wish the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

I was delighted to find that one of my ex-Army mates sent a seemingly simple but important question over FB Messenger, "Can gay guys really have platonic friendships with straight guys?"   This issue is fundamental to how many straight men and women view gay guys and girls.  Assumptions, or suspicions about the "real" answer can feed phobias, prejudice and resultant discrimination.  This is exactly the sort of issue I hope to touch upon in the Blog, because I know I have a number of straight readers and am keen to use this vehicle to increase understanding and break down ill informed preconceptions and enmity.  I shall be honest and open in my answer, of course, as I have been in each preceding post; to the surprise of one or two readers.

Answers to such questions derive from personal experience, from pertinent discussion with mates and, perhaps, a little relevant reading but still reflect just one person's interpretation and understanding.  I shall divide my answer into two broad areas, youth and adulthood.  In my case, first crushes fell upon guys on TV, in the music industry, on the silver screen, in sports teams and, yes, upon other kids in school.  As we have noted previously, adolescence is a time of excitement, exploration and thrills but it may also be a time of "storm and stress", as G Stanley Hall coined in 1904, of turmoil, confusion, of battling fears of failure and inadequacy.  Well, if to this hormone fuelled maelstrom one adds the fact that your compelling physical drives and the deluge of enslaving emotions are rooted in that "love which may not be spoken", that your very being is one that society abhors, those years that should be wondrous can be a dark period, beset with seemingly existential dangers.  One could not, in my youth and still in most cases today, peruse the array of male beauty with which nature presents you, select the most alluring, sachet alongside and enquire, "Do you come here often?"  No, for the gay guy and girl then, and research shows still today, that young love really must not be spoken, but remain woundingly unrequited; see back to the posts on Coming Out and on Gay Identity and Gay Culture for more on this area.

In many cases such young love, or youthful lust, is necessarily sublimated, the forlorn torchbearer constrained to nurture the woefully inadequate and agonising alternative of friendship.  That is not to say that every male teen who is mates with a gay lad is viewed by the latter as a modern day incarnation of Michelangelo's David, to be corporeally coveted and fantasised over, quite the contrary.  Many gay teenagers deliberately abjure (ie run like the wind from!) the company of those peers with the finest physiques and most alluring looks, in fear of what might result from prolonged close contact....but primordial drives are just that, and the competing, conflicting imperatives can tear at the very core of a gay adolescent.  He yearns to exist in the closest possible orbit around some fabulous creature, while knowing that that would bring daily punishment and would risk, well, would risk just about everything.  I was never conscious of building a friendship founded on physical attraction or lust, but my first boyfriend was my 'straight' best friend of the time, in school; a kid who would not only eschew descriptions such as gay and boyfriend, but would proudly beat his chest and declare his credentials as a true champion of the straight world at the slightest excuse....rather belying what may have passed between us only moments before.  In no way did I consciously seek him out to be my best mate because of any sense of attraction and he was not the best looking of those I was pleased to call friend.  Over time, however, we became closer and closer.  Our friendship deepened and transformed to the point of genuine emotional and then physical pairing.   At the last time of hearing, after our relationship he had returned to the 'straight and narrow' and had various heterosexual relationships, none of which endured as he went through three or four marriages.  I am sad for him.  In the first life of this Blog I related a version of how we stumbled upon the physical element of our relationship and I may reprise that in this resurrected form of the Blog in a future post.

Conquering, or at least learning to master the torments of adolescence one comes of age, becomes an adjusted, adult member of society.  That transition is often portrayed by Hollywood as a watershed and, at least in my experience, when it came to how I viewed straight guys and straight friends in particular it was.  I dare say that some gay friends would rather I was "economical with the [my] truth", above, would have preferred me to dissemble or just outright lie and say that never has a gay teen fancied one of his friends.  Such a declaration would have been untrue and contrary to the purpose and previous practice of the Blog....that said, however, it would, indeed, be applicable to my experience of adult friendships between gay and straight men.  Gay guys know a good looking when when we see one, it's nature, but recognising that a mate may be good looking does not translate to fancying or lusting after him; not at all.

In fact, once the horrendous (and stupendous) hormone charged teens are travelled, the very thought of sexual engagement with a straight friend is rather distasteful.  Some might observe that, in my case, this could be put down the fact that all my straight mates appear to suffer from a symptom of sloth or neglect....having failed to remove their halloween masks, year on year, but it's more than that.  In my mind, it is a combination of respect for and acceptance of them as straight men and valuing them as friends; I guess one might equate it to the sort of mindset I hope and trust they have in regard to my sexuality and relationship with them.

Seeing straight men as attractive is like viewing a painting or sculpture, but seeing them as sexual is a horse of a different colour; as the Guardian of the Emerald City and carriage driver coined to Dorothy, though most have the phrase is rooted in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night.  I could not see any of my straight mates in such a context, not solely because they are ugly as sin, but because it would be so "wrong".  Respect for that person's sexuality and for our friendship made such an idea positively nauseating.  In truth, I do have a few heterosexual mates who are good looking, one or two of whom have enjoyed being eyed up when drinking with me on the Soho gay scene, but the idea of them being figures of fancy and lust for me is actually distasteful.

Now, in the spirit of the Blog, I also have to admit that I know of gay men who actively seek out "straight" men with the intent of having sex with them.  They derive something of a sense of conquest from such encounters.  When being taken to task over their hunting strategy, as I have done, their response is that they do not use date-rape drugs, they do not employ inopportune force and the sex is entirely consensual.  This takes us back to the brief discussion of sexuality in the post, Tales of Straight Guys' Gay Sexual Experiences and are 'Bromances' Simply Cover for Closeted Gays?, where I commented that, "....my take on sexuality is that very few men or women are 100% heterosexual or homosexual.  Humans are rarely straight forward, particularly regarding emotions and basic drives.  The hue of the inner man is not black and white, it is more grey, infinite shades of grey....though becoming bright, colourful, sparkly and spangly as one edges closer to gay, of course....".  Homosexual guys having sex with heterosexual guys is different from this post's discussion of gay-straight friendships, not only in the fact that the two consenting adults are not friends but also because the gay participant usually questions the description of his sexual partner as "heterosexual"; citing de facto physical evidence....and smiling, impishly, as he does so!

So, in conclusion and to answer the question in the title of this post, yes, gay man can enjoy wholly platonic friendships with straight man.  Indeed, all my adult friendships with those outside the rainbow realm have been entirely such and could be nothing else.

In a future post I might focus in on the issue of gay men and women in the military, from my experience, discussing how a gay man can enter a community populated by predominately fit guys and neither offend against military law nor drive himself to distraction.  It rather grows out of this post....and mention of it affords me the segue to note that at the recent Pink News Awards, the winner of the Public Sector Equality Award was the British Army.  Hooray and Hurrah for the boys and girls of my old trade, leaders in LGBT equality in the work place.

So, time to turn to other things and leave you in peace.  I do thank you, most sincerely, for taking the time to pop in and peruse my ponderings and I am sending huge e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate.  If anyone has specific questions about LGBT issues, as was the stimulus for this post, please do let me know by commenting on this post or, if we are already in personal touch, over FB messenger or email.

If Saturday and Sunday constitute your weekend and your work allows you the freedom to enjoy the same, I hope you have a fabulous one....and would love to think that you will join me again, next week.