Discussion about gay (LGBT) news and issues, and explorations of gay life experiences that will chime with gay readers and afford straight readers an honest insight into gay life
Hoping that the time and motion guys see this, I am posting the week's offering a day early. Hurrah! I cross fingers that it will entertain, even amuse, enlighten and perhaps aid understanding. I am immensely grateful to those who take the time to pop in and read, and to those who furnish me with some feed back. I apologize for not being able to reply via thread comment....I have to post a separate comment (until the experts in the 'Help Forum' advise me how to action thread comments) but I WILL reply, albeit it in that cumbersome way!
(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source. I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down. The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)
Well, our hearts were aflutter last week.
We walked ourselves through the reasons for coming out, the immense risks inherent in doing so and the euphoria that results from doing so. Not just the right thing to do, we understood that it was the only thing to do; for the reasons rehearsed in the post. That said, however, to whom do we come out, when and how? These are fundamental questions, the answers to which are crucial to triumphantly riding that emotional roller coaster and arriving at the heady legal high of a successful coming out.
You may recall that we were frozen in the moment and to the spot, last week. We were 'twixt kitchen and sitting room, a pewter tankard of beer in each hand staring at Dad who, having thoroughly enjoyed the preceding 90 minutes of father-son jousting and joking, had long since surrendered himself to the reassuring embrace of his voluminous armchair and awaited more banter....and the next pint of Welsh bitter. We understood why we simply had to come out, but why did we decide to come out to Dad, why did we determine that it should be now and how are we going to do it?
Coming out is one of the most important things a gay guy or girl will do in their lives and, from our discussion last week, you will understand the drive to come out to parents; if one is so blessed as to enjoy a loving relationship with them. In my life, my parents were my oldest and best friends and I had long yearned to let them know who their son really was, help them to understand where and with whom I hoped to find love and stability. After coming out to myself, they were the most important people on the planet to come out to....but that is precisely why many delay coming out to parents and family, for fear of incurring the devastating penalties that might be exacted if it goes badly. Determining to whom one should come out, and when, is down to each of us, in the LGBT community.
Some take the bold and uncompromising approach, going for parents or siblings at the outset because of that overpowering, deep seated urge to be honest with those we love. Others begin with friends, who do not threaten the emotional devastation of having your family vilify and reject you. Indeed, friends may be very useful rehearsals for 'the big one', coming out to family, and may also help support you prior to and post opening up to parents and siblings. Timing is down to how you feel about yourself and to your understanding of the possible cost of coming out, accepting that this crucial act, essential for your peace of mind, mental health and hope of finding love is worth such potential pain. It is also down to your assessment of the other person. This may be crucial to the outcome.
In my case, I delayed coming out to many who were the most important to me....and, as it turned out, rightly so. Some family members admitted that they would not have been able to cope with the news, would not have been able to accept the gay me in their younger days. We each decide who and when. We each relive that heart pumping, chest bursting emotional ordeal every time we do it. In my personal story, coming out went well, way above expectation and hope in almost every case. We must be realistic, however, must be cognisant and understanding of the perspective of others, particularly those older than ourselves who are from different times and social context. My personal experience included finding out that while some of those closest to me continued to love me unequivocally, they no longer saw me or what I had achieved in my life in the same way. While deeply, deeply saddening, such responses just mean that there is work to be done in helping others to better understand and fully accept, which will take time; the key, in my case, being that the love was undiminished.
Then there is another factor that impinges upon your timing. While genuinely proud to be gay and 'out' for many years, family and work circumstances precluded my opening up to many people for quite a time. That said, I have always sought to adhere to the rule that I would come out to a person when knowledge of my sexuality was pertinent to our relationship. For example, much of my work in the last fifteen years has been in the USA, working with client groups that were readily described as institutionally homophobic. Conscious of such realities, I came out to those for whom I was working; risking loss of that income stream by so doing. The company for which I was a consultant might have been seen in a bad light and even have lost business (at the time) if clients found out that they were employing a "fag", so it was only right and proper to come out to management and allow them to make the positive decision to continue to employ me; which they did. I do not wear my rainbow heart on my sleeve, but I do believe it is important to be open and honest with work colleagues and friends as and when necessary....and accept the ever present risks; to which I shall return later.
If the above affords some insight into the questions of who and when, we are still not out of the woods of this conundrum. We now move on to how we might come out. There are, of course, many ways to get the job done, to lift the crushing weight of living that lie, embracing honesty and your true self. For the sake of ease and brevity, however, perhaps we may whittle it down to two broad categories. Directly or remotely. The first means face to face, in either a planned coming out or unexpected crash coming out/cold pitch. Our shared coming out story in these two posts left us about to open up to our Dad in an evidently planned way. Alternatively, an example of the unexpected direct method occurred in my past when, having recently left the military, I met a one time subordinate who had become a very close friend and was still serving. We were drinking in a London bar (.....or, OK, a number of London bars!), when he suddenly stepped back and said, "Boss [he still would not use first name, even though I was no longer in the Army], next time we meet, how's about dressing less bloody gay, yea?", to which I replied, "Yes, big joke, you've known I was gay for some years, Stephen!" My dear friend's jaw dropped, his eyes opened as wide as those of a startled owl, and I realised that I was wrong, he had not known. He immediately removed himself to the Gentlemen's toilets (one might think an odd choice, in the circs?!), then reappeared and ordered another pint but, after a few mouth fulls, gulped down in silence, he put the tankard down and said, "No, sorry, it disgusts me. You disgust me. I'm off", and, with that, he was gone. Another coming out that was not truly planned, but resulted from a dear friend finding out about my sexuality from a mutual acquaintance, also ended badly and sadly. It involved a guy who was not in the Army but in another Government Dept. During preceding years, we had done a thing or two together in the line of work and had become really quite close; his family had taken a long holiday in my home in Wales, for example. He flew into country to meet me in London, having heard of my sexuality. We met in Covent Garden, drank a little and talked a lot....up to the point when he also put down his glass of beer and said, "Dave, I am sorry. I shall always respect the man I knew you to be but will never accept what I now find you are," and, with that, he walked off.
We addressed the impact of being reviled, derided and rejected by those for whom we care in the last post. Rejected not because of what we have done, but because of who we are. To be told by a dear mate that you disgust him, not some decision you have made or course of action you have followed, but your very nature is crushing. It can even leave you feeling dirty, in a state similar to the self loathing that is often one of the phases we pass through before properly coming out to ourselves. You must NOT let it be so.
At this point, I should speak to my LGBT Blog friends and assure them that the above examples were the exception, in my case. Almost every coming out went well. In fact, I was met with amazingly warm and supportive responses. To achieve such a desirable, reassuring and much hoped for outcome I had often resorted to remote means to come out or to substantially prepare the ground. This took the form of a letter or email that would allow the recipient to read, digest, cogitate and navigate a raft of emotions before we met to discuss the revelation; if, indeed, the individual was still willing to meet up. In one example of this, a friend from serving days had asked me to join him in his flat/apartment in London to watch a Six Nations Rugby match; Wales against his nation. He was about to begin work in a non-military Government Dept in London where he would undoubtedly hear that I was gay. On the Friday afternoon I sent him an email explaining my sexuality and asking him not to reply until the morning, but then to send a note saying whether the invitation to watch the match was still on or not. He had been known to all of his friends as almost aggressively homophobic; as were many/most in that employ, at the time. Some weeks later the guy's wife and I met up and she revealed that my friend had rung her about every hour or two, right through the night and early morning, following receipt of my email. During that time he began by telling her that was going to meet me and try to beat the living daylights out of me, but then worked himself through a thought process that challenged his initial response, setting it against the evidence of what he knew of me from preceding years and, finally, to telling himself that I was still Dave, his mate, and it was illogical to suddenly deny our strongly founded friendship and disavow me. The next day, the Saturday, I joined him in his flat, we watched the match, drank (too much), chatted, laughed a great deal and broke new ground....he had travelled a long and hard road during that 24 hours! (....NB, Wales won the rugby match, so win-win for me!)
In the information age, we can also come out over the web, of course. All I will do here is to post a coming out video about which the LGBT media raved a couple of years ago. It is one of the best composed and structured, one of the most mature and, at the same time, endearing examples of coming out over Youtube, posted by Ryan Eichenauer....and I love his phrase, ".....I'm not coming out, I'm letting the world in...."
Have used this before, but love the phot!
Lastly, the question of what next? Well, with time pressing, I shall make just two points. The first is the wonderful reality that embracing your true self, stepping out of living the lie is the beginning of real life. A weight is lifted from your shoulders and you feel exuberant, almost delirious. You emerge from your chrysalis, spread your gossamer wings and rise triumphantly above the mundane and mediocre, taking your place within the gay community, embracing gay culture and, depending on your location, gliding onto the gay scene. It is, in the vernacular, fabulous....BUT, saying that, we would be in error, would be disingenuous if we did not flag up the reality that while the above is the case for most of us in the more socially advance, liberal 'Western' societies, even in Great Britain, a leader in LGBT rights, research shows that almost 25% of homeless youth are LGB and, of those, almost 70% cite familial abuse, violence and rejection as the reason for their plight. There is still a long, long way to go to achieve full understanding and acceptance in the real world and the rest of the LGBT community, indeed, the whole of decent society has the lead role in working toward that. If you find yourself in difficulties over coming out, there are some great organisations that can help, including: Stonewall UK, at http://www.stonewall.org.uk/ and http://www.youngstonewall.org.uk/ ; the excellent Albert Kennedy Trust, also in the UK, at http://www.akt.org.uk/ ; the wonderful Matthew Shepard Foundation in the USA, at http://www.matthewshepard.org/ and http://www.matthewshepard.org/matthews-place/ and various others. Secondly, I have to caution that what comes next is more of the same! Unless you are a major celebrity and your coming out is global, in a feeding frenzy of media attention, you will find yourself having to come out again and again, to new friends, new work colleagues etc as and and when the circumstances make it appropriate/necessary. It is a long and winding road that seems to lead to throw open that closet door again and again, I fear. Each occasion brings with it the attendant risk of rejection but most of the time it results in bringing you closer to those you love and for whom you care and reminds you of the simple decency, the good that is in most of those in your chosen circle of life.
Right, ENOUGH! The post has been a touch more anecdotal, more personal than I expected when I began; but I know from your feed back that you prefer that to sterile, almost academic prose on subjects that are founded on human emotions and better related through empirical experience. I thank you, very much, for joining me and send you e-hugs or manly embraces (as appropriate). The next post will either be 'Visits to the Gay Zoo and Straight Tales of Gay Sexual Experiences' or 'Sex and the Scene'; probably the former, as it follows on from this post, and then 'Sex and the Scene' thereafter.
Have a fabulous weekend, if Saturday and Sunday fill that role for you and if your work allows such indulgence. I do hope to see you next week.
The first Christmas posts have appeared on FaceBook and this week has seen a plethora of Christmas/Holiday Season films on our Satellite service. Really....?! With 93 days still to go?! Might as well shut everything down now, get out the champagne and roll with it....why fight the seeming will of the majority? Before losing myself to premature festive wassailing, however, we have a topic that is very special and personal to every gay person known to me and I hope I can manage to communicate the realities of it with appropriate depth and feeling.
(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source. I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down. The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)
Do you hear that? Can you feel it?
The blood pounding through your veins, pressure so high something has to burst, it juts has to. You're conscious of breathing, almost fighting for air as your chest rises and falls, fills and empties with such rapidity. You look through the open door from the kitchen to the sitting room and see your Dad in the same position, comfortable and contented, willingly surrendered to the reassuring embrace of his enveloping armchair. A single bead of sweat lazily traces a line from your forehead onto your cheek, but you can't wipe it away with both hands clasped around the two refilled pewter tankards of beer. You are seemingly frozen to the spot, gulping air like a beached fish, the drop of sweat continuing its erratic path to your chin and then falling to the floor. The last ninety minutes of happy father-son chat, joking and jousting, has led to this point and it's now or never. You must tell him. You must....but you're visibly shaking with nerves, fear even, as you make the decision to risk so much. Risk his disdain, his derision, risk your own Dad being disgusted by you, perhaps rejecting you, disowning his own son....and, above all, risking hurting him and disappointing him.
Why? Why do we do it? Why do we feel the need to 'come out' to those we love and for whom we care and, in so doing, risk losing them?
Among the greatest riches that can elevate your existence, turning it into a life that may be truly cherished, are the love of your family and the respect, loyalty and affection of true friends. If you are lucky enough to have banked these in your life, you will probably agree that such wealth requires, indeed results from certain investments by all parties. The currencies in which these investments are valued include honesty and trust. We (most of us) are gregarious, pack or tribal beasts; though we may be wisely circumspect in populating said pack or tribe. Mine is not large but it is true. Indeed, I know that many who read this Blog have lived lives that were founded on the idea of mutual support, of reliance on and trust in others while inviting them to rely on and trust in you. Most of us feel the desire to be open and honest with those we love and for whom we care, or at least to feel able to be ourselves when in their company; if not, does your relationship truly merit the description of family or friend? With something as fundamental as our sexuality, which is at the heart of who we are, the determinant of whom we hope to share our lives with, there is an irresistible yearning to 'come out' to those who are important to us. To do otherwise is to sustain a lie in the face of those with whom we claim the very closest affection and affinity.
In fact, the drive to come out results as much from the desire to end the lie as it does from the drive to be open; if you can see the distinction. For most of us, being gay has required us to lie, or at least to dissemble, to deny who we are in the name of self defence, protecting our places within the essential social I context outlined above. In my younger days and still now, according to the figures, society in general and particularly street level reality teaches us that who we are is something vile, perverted, unnatural and so, to sustain our places in that society, many lie to themselves and others, even to those we hold most dear. The stress and strain of that, the pain in that sad truth can be crushing and risk mental ill-health. It is a terrible weight to bear and the need to get out from under it is overwhelming.
So, we come out in order to be open with those we love and for whom we care but also to stop living a lie....but we are still not finished with the question, "why", because to the above I must add essential self affirmation, the need to start being yourself. During my youth, while there were no gay characterisations on TV or in movies, and absolutely no role models, society taught me many things about homosexuals....they were weak, effeminate, disgusting, vermin, paedophiles.
They offended against the laws of God and man and, in the currency of adolescent boys, the most disparaging terms of abuse that could be deployed against enemies and, of course, against the different and vulnerable were those accusing the target of being homosexual, with "gay", "queer", "poof", "faggot" ringing in kids' ears from each session in the school playground and each rugby match. Even if not deployed against you, such vile verbal abuse was repeatedly shouted within your hearing, reinforcing society's prejudices and each repetition seemed to cemented their truth. In the face of such certainty amongst your peer group, you began to believe and, then, to hate yourself, to be reviled by who you were. To bring it up to date and reiterate points made in an earlier post, 55% of LGB pupils in UK schools experienced direct bullying in 2015 while 96% heard gay related language used in a derogatory context and 24% of Britain's homeless youth are LGB, of which 69% cite familial rejection, abuse and violence....and all this in a country that is a world leader in LGBT rights. You can imagine the degree to which this gnaws away at a young guy or girl's self perception, self esteem, and even leads some poor, distraught youngsters to attempt suicide. Those of you who are members of other minorities that attract prejudice and discrimination, those of you whom society regards as 'different' may recognise the above....it may send a chill up and down your spine as it still does with me, whenever I address it. I made damned sure I was not bullied, as I was big for my age as a school kid, but my eyes and ears were open and I could not deny the evidence they garnered from all about me. The most fundamental physical and emotional drives within me were revolting. The realities of who and what I was were perverted and utterly disgusting. "Why me?" "What the f##k is wrong with me?" "No-one must ever know, I just have to keep this secret." "If my family, friends find out I will lose everything!" Coming out is the first and most important step of fighting back, to standing proud, being yourself and establishing your true lifestyle. It is unbelievably liberating and empowering.
That said, the journey is not easy and, for most, it takes you through phases of disbelief, denial, self loathing, fear and anger then, finally, dissembling and living a lie. Successfully navigating the above will lead you to the most important coming out of all, coming out to yourself....not just recognising that you are LGBT but accepting it, embracing it, being bloody well proud of it. After that, you will yearn to share this fabulous truth with all you love and care for; for it is fabulous and I would not change it even if I could. A mate of mine once observed that many of us do things that annoy our parents, even upset them and disappoint them so why was this "coming out thing" such an issue, such a big thing, "....for heaven's sake grow a pair and tell people". Well, yes, we have all upset our parents from time to time because of something we have done, a decision we have made. The consequences of that may be huge within the family, such as my friend from a staunchly Protestant family who announced he was converting to Roman Catholicism, but suffering your parents' displeasure or wrath because of something you have done is rather different from them actually being revolted by who you are, by your most personal and essential truths, believing you be perverted and physically offensive. Yes, you take your heart in your hands every time you come out to someone but, believe me, it is not only the right course and the most, most exquisite experience (that will give you something of a 'legal high!') it is the only course of action; for the sake of your self perception and mental health. The risks inherent in it are truly significant and very real, it can go wrong (as I have found and will relate next week) and, as a result, it is imperative that you judge those to whom you come out carefully and pick the time....as we shall discuss in the next week's post.
I rather fear that my vocabulary and powers of expression have let me down, this week. I feel that I have not been able to take you inside the mind of a young guy or girl and walked you through their journey to coming out. I have been unable to properly convey the critical importance of coming out and the wonder of doing it. Forgive me.....but I hope you have gained at least some understanding. Thanks a million for joining me; I am sending e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate. Your company is key to the Blog, as there is no Blog without you (Q - does a poet actually create, if no-one reads his or her writings?). I do hope you'll pop back in to join me next week, to talk about 'Who, When and What Happens Next' in the topic of coming out.
I trust that you've forgiven me for leaving you standing outside the Rupert Street Bar, in London's Soho, at the end of the last post....but, here we are, back again and our night out on the gay scene in London (of a few years ago) continues. As you may recall, this post results from a question posed by a friend who asked what a Saturday night out was like on the scene, when I was single, and how that differed from a night out elsewhere in London (ie on what some call the straight scene). In PART 1 of the topic, we went for a bite to eat in Balans, Old Compton Street, Soho and then moved on for a number of drinks, and other things, to the Village Bar and then Rupert Street. As I had a foot in each of two (sometimes quite distinct) camps, enjoying the bars and the clubs, I shall now grab your hand again (or not) and we'll head off to London's Vauxhall and the club scene...."Taxi!"
(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source. I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down. The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)
We're suitably lubricated, buoyed up by the invasive, uplifting hedonism of Soho (as well as its vibe of normality and safety) and the hours spent in the fabulous company of dear friends chatting, laughing and grazing on the eye candy of the bar scene's gay male savanna. Now, a short taxi ride and we arrive at Action, in the Vauxhall club scene (though technically just in Lambeth). No longer with us, Action was the fave Saturday night venue....gaining its slot with me from CRASH, though the latter would still be the occasional choice; from where a tale is related below. Saturday night gay clubs were relatively new. Most venues in London had only deigned to offer their event spaces to gay club promoters a few years earlier, and then only for Thursday and Sunday nights when 'normal' folk wouldn't sally forth because of work the ensuing day....and, indeed, perhaps the best club venue was still on a Sunday night, DTPM, at Fabric, Charterhouse Street (again, sadly no more).
DTPM
The club scene was harder than the bar scene. It's clientele was slightly older, though still displaying numbers of young things (known as twinks or chickens on the scene). They throbbed with energising, intoxicating sounds, generally House genres, and were palpably sexually charged.....hundreds, in some clubs thousands of guys all stripped to the waist, most with jeans riding low, proudly disporting physiques into which untold hours of effort had been invested and which now shimmered as the lasers and other lights played over sweaty torsos. While everyone was there for a good time, almost everyone was also there looking to pick up.
My years in the military had shown me many things and prepared me for many things but, in those days, drug use was not really one of them; as long as we ignore, as ever we do, the fact that alcohol is a drug and the Institute of Alcohol Studies assesses up to 17 million work days (the UK Gov HSE says up to 18 million) are lost in the UK each year due to alcohol related sickness with a total loss to the economy of 7.3Bn pounds at 2009/10 prices. In my naive state, I was surprised, perhaps shocked to find the extent of drug use within the gay community and certainly the clubbing community. Whereas I was only used to and comfortable with booze, most others would drop an 'e' or two during the night out and many would also do lines of cocaine and/or bumps of Ketamine....while I had to build water and Red Bull into my G&T intake to stay with the fun. These so called social or recreational drugs variously induce a sense of euphoria, of relaxation and "whole body buzz", as well as reducing the desire for food and drink; hence their attraction for the all night/morning clubbing scene and many others on the wider gay scene....but, please note, they can also cause devastating mental and physical illness and death. I have sat by the intensive care bed of a dear, dear mate for a day and a half, waiting for his parents to arrive, having been told by the doctors he would die from drug abuse. He had taken liquid 'G'...he knew his body could not cope with that drug, but the decision to take it came on the heels of taking Cocaine and 'K', so his decision making was shot to hell. The "Club drugs" of the current scene, including Crystal and 'G', undermine powers of logical thought and decision making and, in the sexually charged reality of clubbing, are cited as a major cause of the increase in unprotected sex and resultant huge increase in Sexually Transmitted Infections on both the gay and straight club scenes!
BEYOND, after it moved from the Colosseum.
On the gay clubbing scene of a few years back, the prevalence of 'recreational drug' use stoked the already scalding fire under the hedonistic cauldron. Action kicked off at about 22.00hrs (I think, no-one got there for opening time....as you know, because on our time travelling journey we are not arriving until about 23.30hrs) and went on to 03.00hrs; while DTPM, on Sundays, went to 05.00hrs. That may all seem a touch tame, but you and I will have decamped to an 'after hours' club before Action shuts its doors. We shall relocate to BEYOND, Vauxhall, but a minute or two walk, which opened at 03.00 and kept the buzz going until 12.00hrs Sunday. I rarely went to clubs with friends as, apart from meeting mates on the dance floor, the intention was to make new ones. Ploughing through the sea of gyrating torsos, whose bacchanalian bodies were being vibrated to their cores by the giant sub-woofers, the club pulsated with promise as we start to dance and cruise the flesh coloured floor covering all around us. I was never drawn to the 'dark room' at Action, a smaller room off the huge dance floor where little of its hypnotising light and lasers show reached and where guys could get more tactile. Each to their own.
Cruising is basically nothing more than checking a guy (or guys) out, looking him/them over....but there are certain 'sort of' unwritten protocols. For example, as I walked into Old Compton Street from Charing Cross Road, on the way to meet you at Balans Restaurant (in the last post), if I had seen a guy walking in the other direction on the other side of the street and liked what I saw, also noticing that he was cruising me and making eye contact, I would have walked past him three or four paces, losing eye contact, then turn round to look at him once more, almost walking backwards and, if he had done the same double take....well, our night out would probably not have happened.
Photo from Standard
Luckily, that didn't happen (on this occasion) so we have had our night on the Soho scene and are now settling into the all consuming club atmosphere, semi-naked bodies pressed against bodies, hugging a guy to you to shout in his ear (or he wouldn't hear you) cruising for signs of mutual attraction. That said, you rather hoped that you wouldn't hook anything too early, as the club was there to be enjoyed in all its magnetic and hugely affirming sights and sounds. In fact, as we're here together, we'll see Action through until about 02.30hrs and then head to join the queue (line, for my US friends) to get into BEYOND as it opens at 03.00hrs; I knew a couple of the security guys at BEYOND so was usually able to walk directly in. BEYOND was a fabulous venue. Different dance floors, bars and sit out/chill out areas. The music was often more mellow, more chilled, and we can take the opportunity to soak up the sounds, peruse the human decor in a less frenetic atmosphere and, perhaps, lock eyes with a fine specimen who had drawn our attention in Action, previously, and exchange smiles. So, how would one hook up or pick someone up?
Such an outcome might result from us having moved closer and closer on the dance floor and then, de facto, begun dancing together or within a group, but both knowing what the shared eye contact and smiles meant, or, it might be a crash pick up (a cold pitch, as some old work colleagues would understand).
CRASH, more Tribal House and earthy
Example of the 'crash pick up/cold pitch'. You are standing in the short queue to recover your jacket from the cloakroom in CRASH, at the Vauxhall Arches (for the sake of argument), when a voice behind you says, "I was sad to see you put your shirt back on. You're looking damned good. You leaving?" to which you reply, "Yep, heading home", and then we have it, "Mind if I come with you?". Bingo. Yep, that's it all it might take. You need to recall that this is man 'sans' woman and I repeat the Billy Crystal attributed quote, "Women need a reason for sex, men just need a place". As the foundation of this Blog is openness and hoping, to some small degree, to increase understanding, I will acknowledge that amongst almost every one of my then friends (on the bar and club scenes) the progression was the reverse of what is reported to be the case in 'polite' straight society and sex preceded dating; though no-one really dated, as such, even if the relationship began to cement (and I know that this is necessarily different for those not living on/socialising on the scene). So, the intention was not to return home alone after our Saturday night/Sunday morning out together....and, sorry, that means I shall probably leave you to your own devices at some point while in BEYOND. If, however, things don't click, 12.00hrs Sunday lunch time arrives and neither of us has picked up, well, it's warm and sunny outside and a walk/tube ride back to Soho will mean brunch at Balans and some cocktails. Indeed, if really in the mood, a 'disco nap' when finally back home might recharge the batteries sufficiently for me to drag on the glad rags again, Sunday night, and head for DTPM at Fabric, Charterhouse Street. What it was to be a lady of leisure!
So, all rather rushed, but that's us done for the Saturday night/Sunday morning out on the gay scene....in fact, straddling the Soho bar scene and then the clubbing scene. On concluding PART 1 to this subject, the last post, I summarised what I saw as some of the most obvious differences between a night out on our scene and the straight scene. That was easy, as I have visited many a straight pub over the years. My experience does not qualify me to compare gay and straight club scenes, however. That said, one difference stands out. It is the obvious one with which I kicked of the comparison in the previous post but it bears repetition as it is, after all, at the heart of it all....these were gay clubs packed with semi-naked gay guys looking to pick up other guys. It bears repetition because this simple, but core fact speaks to the crucial role of the bars and clubs to gay life irrespective of the acceptance of LGBT folk in the broader community (once again, however, I stress that I do know this is different for guys living off the scene, away from gay communities); though this is now being whittled away by the increasing reliance on gay dating (hook up) sites where one can find sex but need never publicly identify as gay. As far as I understand, the almost single focus overt sexuality of the clubs may be more intense on our scene, but is mirrored to significant degree in straight dance clubs, as is the use of "club drugs"; to a lesser degree, though, I am told. Do, please, correct me on any misunderstanding of the straight venues in comments to this post.
Guests at our home Club opening
Right, that's me done in. While we do have our own dance club to the rear of the house and act as a sort of 'micro-scene' (as there is no scene in our City of half a million), I am out of the habit of a full Saturday/Sunday session....but thanks a million for your company. Hugely appreciated as there's no night out and no Blog without your participation; sending e-hugs or manly embraces as appropriate. The next Post, Thu or Fri of next week, will discuss "Coming Out, Why, When, How....and What Next?"; in response to another question asked of me over email by a reader. Have a fabulous, hedonistic, self indulgent weekend and I do hope you'll pop back next week.
Your calendar may tell you it's Monday but, here on the Blog, it's early Saturday evening with a long night/morning ahead of us. As the last post was necessarily rather dry and serious, t's time for something more relaxed and anecdotal. A few of you have been so kind as to give me feed back, over email and FB messenger (and do feel free to do so by leaving comments on the Blog post itself) and even ask questions....one of which was, "what would a night out in the Soho gay village be like?" Hence this post. Get your glad rags on, let me take you by the hand (or not!) and let's head to town.
(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source. I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down. The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)
As you know from our discussion of 'gay culture', two posts ago, appearance and attraction are important whenever one puts even a toe outside the front door. As a result, my years in London required an hour and a half workout in the gym five, or six days a week.
A&F Fierce men's fragrance
Then, for a Saturday night out, the product of such effort was clad in Ted Baker black leather flat fronted shoes, Evisu blue jeans, Armani black leather belt, Abercrombie and Fitch black tight fitting T-shirt and Versace blue jean (gold thread) jacket; all set against the alluring background of the Abercrombie and Fitch Fierce fragrance. I can almost hear my ex Army mates struggling to hold back the laughter but, while the days of Savile Row two piece chalk stripe and three piece tweed suits, blazers, Regimental tie and cashmere/cotton twill trousers were only recently over, in many ways they were a world away (see phots, below, of self in '04, three years after leaving the Army and, by this time, happily 'married' to hubby....so after the period in which our Saturday night out is set).
Suitably attired, a less than one minute walk took me to the Underground (Metro, for my US mates); hence choice of apartment - no point looking good only to get wet and dishevelled walking to the tube. Then just a nine minute ride to the heart of the West End. Soho here we come. First stop, as a long night lies ahead, is Balans restaurant on Old Compton Street, the heart of the 'gay village'. A staple of Soho, Balans rather became my default eating place for a couple of years, during which time I would take breakfast (or, more honestly, brunch....steak and eggs) and dinner there perhaps two or three days a week. Almost always damned good food, Bohemian atmosphere and a portion of eye candy served with almost every waiter.
Many of the staff made a fortune in tips, particularly at Christmas, Pride and just about every holiday when drunk gay guys were prone to showing appreciation for good service, a fine physique and an alluring, impish smile....I hooked up with a Balans waiter once, nice guy but totally mad (we didn't really DO dating, as understood in the straight world - which I will explain in a PART 2, end of the week)! Food was preceded by a large Sapphire and tonic and, if dining with a mate, accompanied by a bottle of wine; otherwise, more gin. On occasion I might also hit Balans in the late afternoon, if I bumped into a mate in town, when food was washed down with selections from the cocktail menu; which meant a trashy night always lay ahead! For Saturday night dinners, the solid intake often took the form of seared scallops followed by the sesame tuna steak or the red curry, then it was off to meet mates at the first watering hole.
Old Comtpon Street was a kaleidoscopic lense into a Bohemian (NOT just gay), transient community drawn together by shared lifestyles or philosophy on life. I passed so many hours away just sitting at the window of Costa Coffee looking out, or at one of the street side tables savouring the liberated, eclectic sights and sounds that would delight, amuse and often elicit a quiet "awwww", as my eyes followed a young gay couple walking down the centre of the narrow road, hand in hand; one imagined the "I'm his" and "He's mine" T-shirts they should have been wearing.
Balans, small frontage but goes back a
long way!
It was the same, but even more so during the evening, night and early morning hours. That street was the centre of the universe for many of us, a celestial locale imbued with the power to buoy one up, fill you with a hedonistic sense of joy and anticipation and, crucially, a feeling of safety and security.
The walk from Balans to the Village bar took all of 30 seconds. Village was the preferred bar of some of my best friends on the gay scene and was always the RV location. The different decor in its various bars afforded an insight into the character and custom of that particular entertainment space.
Entrance to one of Village's four bars
We would always take ownership of the same corner of one what one might call the singles' bar. Drink and chat ensued, while cruising the guys in the bar (I shall explain 'cruising' and things like hanky code in some future post) and comparing thoughts on what was on offer. I never attempted to pick anyone up in a bar (though it happened by accident, once or twice) but I did meet my future husband in Village just over 13 amazing years ago. I had a foot in two often distinct camps....the bar scene and the club scene. I loved the bars and might visit same three or four times a week (I had left the Army and was a lady of leisure), but also loved the dance clubs. As a result, a proper Saturday night would kick off in Soho and then relocate to Vauxhall or somewhere else between 23.00hrs and midnight. As with all of Bohemian Soho village, the atmosphere in the bar was intoxicatingly hedonistic, vibrant, vital and heavy with anticipation as eyes met and smiles flashed. The clientele was predominantly young(ish), with body shapes that had had real time and effort invested in them and were proudly sported in clothes that showed them off to best advantage. Those who had been endowed with both cute looks and fine forms knew it and oozed that confidence, certainty, even annoying (or endearing?) and to some cowing arrogance that such riches afford their owners. The staff was almost exclusively young 20s and Brazilian, attired in the tightest T-shirts one would imagine and the manager, the only Brit, became a mate; only a mate. I was a good deal older than the norm for the bar and gave the lie to Robbie Williams' lyric "....all the handsome men are gay....", so what little shape I had managed to cultivate during the hours at the gym was my essential qualification for entry to the gay scene; yes, much of the glitzy Soho scene was judgemental, superficial and cynical.
If I was able to sway opinion, we would later decamp to my favourite bar, Rupert Street, a minute's walk from Village; socialising in a compact area has its advantages! That relocation was not always the easiest sell, though, as Village would wheel out dancing 'go-go boys' later at night. If we did make the move, my drink would change from bottles of Corona or Bud to large Sapphire and tonics; each seemed suited to venue. Apart from the more stylish, up market decor, clientele and the fact that men were free to use both men's toilets and the ladies' toilets another difference from straight pubs was that one tipped in a gay bar....and I would always tip big on the first round (maybe 3 to 5 pounds on an order of up to ten pounds) and then use that same barman throughout the night, assured of excellent service; even if my tips then scaled down to two pounds per round. Rupert Street was a smart bar and, while still sporting a generous array of young cute things, attracted a slightly older and perhaps more sophisticated clientele. It's bar staff were older than in Village, each showing off gym bunny physiques through tight black T-shirts; some wearing wrists bands that meant things to the initiated. Rupert Street was the choice of many suited and booted 'City' type gay guys for the week day end of work drink between 17.00-19.30hrs, after which there would be almost a pause before the night time crowd began to gather from 20.30hrs onward. The bar usually throbbed to the sound of great music mixes, from club dance to proper House genres and I might expect to see guys that would reappear on dance floors in the clubs during the ensuing early morning hours. It was a great warmer prior to the taxi ride to Vauxhall and the Saturday night/Sunday morning club scene.
I loved the hours on the bar scene with dear friends, chatting, laughing, perusing and judging the human scenery but, as closing time approached, it was hugs and kisses for my mates as the clubs were calling....and I'll take you to the clubs in the next post, at the end of this week.
In closing, and in answer to the question posed of me, how was the night out different from those being enjoyed by straight guys and girls elsewhere in London? Well, first point to note is that the above was only the start to the night out....and, as I didn't try to pick up in bars, perhaps the elements of greatest difference will be related in the PART 2 to this topic. That said, were there differences between the gay bar scene and a night on the straight scene....well, to thoroughly misuse the words of Elizabeth Barrett Browning in her Sonnet 43, 'let me count the ways' (sorry!).
Firstly one should acknowledge, up front, that the fine forms my friends and I were perusing (and my mates perhaps seeking to pick up) were male....an obvious but important difference that speaks to the role of 'gay bars' and the 'gay scene' and impacted upon the character and feel of such venues; more than simply in seeing some customers hugging and kissing around the bar. Following on from that, the go-go boy dancers in the Village was a clear departure from the character of straight venues, as was the (usually total) absence of women. A minor point is that the attire, and its importance, may have been different from that sported by my straight friends. The culture of hugs and kisses on greeting and taking one's leave of friends (kisses sometimes on the cheek but also on the lips - as one gay friend put it, "I am not greeting a Frenchman, I'm greeting a fellow homosexual!") was different from the culture of straight mates meeting for a night's drinking, as was the prevalence of such as "dear", "darling", "gay boy" etc in normal conversation....eg, a waiter in Balans, pleasing to the eye and on first name terms, might commence with, "Here again, dear, you scene queen, you. What may I tickle your fancy with tonight, hun?". The music is another area of divergence, with the disco sounds, boy bands, Kylie, Cher etc of Village and then the harder sounds of House genres in Rupert Street being different from what was probably being played over the sound systems of the majority of straight London bars that night. Just a few of the obvious differences from most straight bars and underscoring the relevance and role of the gay bars for us....where our different culture or social norms were safely accommodated.
A huge thanks to you for popping in and joining me on the first part of our night out; I am sending you e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate. I do hope that, in answer to the question posed of me over FB messenger, the post has afforded my straight mates some sense of how a Saturday night would kick off on the scene and how it differed from Saturday nights in straight venues. I'd love it if you would return for the club portion of the night out in a few days time; from which one would hope to be returning home with company by early to mid morning Sunday - but more of that next week.
The (Northern Hemisphere) Pride season is over and September is upon us. The Julian calendar is a strange beast, its ninth month beginning with Sept (from the Latin for seven), the tenth with Oct (from the Latin for eight) and so on for November and December. All down to our ancestors' intransigence when, following Julius Caesar extending the original Roman calendar by two months and naming the new version after himself, the people refused repeated attempts to change the names of the last four months. That's people for you! Meanwhile, back at our ever flexible and responsive Blog....
(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source. I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down. The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)
You will recall (if a returning reader - for which many thanks) that I committed this post to mooting the degree to which my claims for a 'gay identity' and a 'gay culture' sustain in the seemingly liberated world of 2016. To discuss whether the needs that led to their natural evolution remain.
Well, in the first place, congratulations if you do reside in a part of the world you perceive to be liberated in its position on LGBT rights because, as you will read below, that happy situation is by no means global! I should then congratulate you a second time (the weekend is coming and the blood has obviously gone to my head) if you, personally, hold a liberated view vis รก vis LGBT equality where ever you live because, as you will again read below, many do not; irrespective of their country's legislative/legal stance. In light of the above, I believe that there most certainly remains a need for the sort of gay 'safe havens' that led to the de facto growth of what I have termed gay identity and a gay culture, as I explain below, but I shall go on to ponder whether, in fact, gay villages, gay identity and gay culture are truly alive and well and fabulous in 2016.
To begin, allow me to address the sobering, sad reality of the state of LGBT equality world wide. My figures are taken from a detailed review of same that was published by The Washington Post in June of this year; begging your forgiveness for a series of figures, but there really is no other way of doing it. Kicking off at the hopeful end of the spectrum, same sex marriage is legal in (only) 22 countries around the world; a number of those countries having been 'forced' into that stance by their Supreme Courts, in the face of insufficient political/popular support for equality. Same sex Civil Partnerships are recognised in just 13 countries.
The picture then darkens with homosexuality still illegal in 65 countries and punishable by death in 10 (or arguably 12 countries), those being: Afghanistan; Iran; Nigeria; Qatar; Saudi Arabia; Somalia; Sudan; Yemen; Mauritania, the UAE (though some dispute the penalty would be upheld if there was proof that the sexual act was consensual); Pakistan (though many contend that the death penalty would no longer be imposed, in reality) and Brunei (where stoning to death for homosexuality became law in 2014, but has yet to be handed down as an actual sentence). I note that many media and entertainment stars and a few global business tycoons have boycotted the excellent Dorchester Hotel in London and the Dorchester Collection chain of luxury hotels since 2014 as a protest against the adoption of the death penalty in Brunei, because they are owned by the Sultan; indeed, it's why I no longer stay at the Dorchester when in London (hahaha....would love to be in a position to make such a protest!).
So, to lift my eyes away from too Northern Hemisphere/'Western' (in the political sense) a perspective, many parts of the world have not yet even developed to the point where gay venues and villages may be safely established. Accepting that gay identity and culture grew out of needs, both physical and emotional, those needs scream out to national and world leaders but their pleas fall on often hostile or simply deaf ears. That said, some courageous LGBT activists from such countries have spoken through western news outlets and espoused a yearning to be allowed to be who they are and live just the sort of lifestyle I outlined in the previous post....seemingly sustaining the concept of a gay culture that binds us together across borders and continents. I shall, of course, return to such issues in future posts....there is, truly, so much work still to be done.
Next, in saying their is so much work still to be done, that pertains in almost all countries, regardless of their official/legislative stance on LGBT rights. If I take Great Britain as a case study, it is a world leader in LGBT rights and many might perceive that the needs that gave rise to gay identity and a gay culture have now been met within the general population, that gays are accepted and able to be absorbed into the wider community and culture. That is not the case. Britain is, indeed, a leader in LGBT equality legislation but there is a huge gulf between Parliament and reality street level reality.
Taking figures from such as the British Crime Survey, academic studies and researches undertaken for respected gay rights groups the real world reality has shocked many of my friends, who thought the days of homophobia long gone.
In Britain, where gay men and women can marry, serve openly in the armed forces etc one study reports that 750,00 young people experienced homophobic bullying in 2015, while another suggests that 55% of LGB pupils in schools experienced direct bullying and 96% heard homophobic language used in a derogatory sense (eg "poof", "leza" etc). Research conducted for the excellent Terrence Higgins Trust suggests that 24% of homeless youths in Britain are LGB and, in 2015, 69% of them had experienced familial rejection, abuse and violence. The study also showed that LGB homeless youth were significantly more likely to suffer targeted violence and sexual exploitation. Turning from just the youth community, reports suggest that 16.5% of LGB people have experienced one or more homophobic/biphobic hate crime incident during the last three years while 20% of LGB employees experienced verbal bullying during the last five years. Figures from 2013 indicate that about 26% of the LGB community "alter their behaviour" to hide their sexuality and avoid being victims of hate crimes. Looking across the ocean, figures collated by Infographicworld.com suggest that 40% of "gay Americans" (ie of gays in the USA, not Americans, which would include all countries on the American continent) had been rejected by family or close friends while 58% had been subjected to anti-gay slurs or jokes.
So, the idea that all is gorgeous in the garden and that the needs that fed the establishment of a gay identity and gay culture could now be met within the day to day life of the broader population appears seriously and sadly flawed. A great deal or work remains to be done to increase understanding and achieve genuine, real world acceptance of LGBT people, even in socially advanced countries such as Britain....and that's before we get to the issue of the homophobia of mainstream religious groups such as (the majority of) Christians and Muslims.
My penultimate point is that the logical consequence of the above should be to ensure that gay identity, gay culture is thriving and, in the more socially advanced countries of Europe and one or two others, is ever more open under the protection of increased legal rights. Logic is rarely a sound basis for predicting human behaviour, however, and I am reminded of the old saying, "nowt so queer as folk" and, in this case, that appears to be wholly apposite. Just when one might expect gay villages and communities to be strengthening, to be responding to the continuing needs that are implicit in the statistics above while also exploiting their increased equality and freedoms (where they pertain)....the opposite appears to be the case. Staying in GB, we find a 'perfect storm' leading to LGBT bars closing across the country and gay 'villages' being wiped out. At a time when property values have tempted many venue owners to sell bars to developers, significant numbers of gays appear to have opted to mask their true identity, homosexuality, with the cloak of anonymity provided by the world wide web and its gay 'dating' (hook up) sites. This development seems counter intuitive in the wake of increased legal equality and protection but, when put in context of the street level realities related above it may be more readily understood.
To close, what is Walters' prognosis for the claimed gay culture and the gay communities/villages that led to its evolution? Is the obvious and right end state of increased acceptance and full equality absorption into mainstream culture and the evaporation of 'gay culture'; as the needs that led to the latter are readily met without specifically gay social/entertainment locales?
For my part, I believe that the reality of acceptance or, palpably from the discussion above, refusal of so many to accept us in the real world means that the needs which spawned gay culture will not be met withing mainstream communities in the near future. I imagine that I would meet with upset and even outrage if I cruised guys in a 'straight' bar and attempted to pick one up, more often than I would be met with a polite "no thanks". I also contend that gay men have a genuinely different identity and shared social behaviours from straight men; straight men, that is, as shaped or constrained by modern straight society. The 'gay' cultural peculiarities I outlined in the previous post have often been described by straight male friends as "guys without the girls to hold them back"....which perhaps brings to mind the quote attributed to Billy Crystal, that "women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place", echoing the different methodologies naturalists ascribe to males and females of various animal species to perpetuating their genes. Any positive prognosis for gay communities and gay culture will be turned on its head, however, if gay men continue to eschew the public, out domain for the (often closeted) anonymity of the web....which, I rather fear, seems the most likely future.
Please note, though, that none of the above is to say that gay men or women cannot easily fit the social norms, cultural norms of standard/majority/straight society. Indeed, I know a number who have done so readily....in each case, after adopting a child or children.
...and that's it for today! If you've dropped in and stayed with the post to its conclusion, a huge thanks and either e-hugs to you or manly embrace; as appropriate! I am most genuinely grateful.
Though it's a week away, the next post may either examine 'coming out' (why, what it means and what may be the results), or, may take you on a Saturday night out in London's Soho and beyond, as enjoyed by yours truly prior to finding my wonderful man and becoming deliriously happily married! Both are the subjects of questions asked of me via email and FB messenger and each will be more chatty and anecdotal than this post has necessarily been.....in fact, because of the serious nature of this post, I shall go for the lighter 'night out in Soho and beyond' next week! See you next week, I hope. Have a fabulous weekend.
What....so soon after Monday's special Blog entry is it truly time for the normal schedule post? Yes, another week almost through and another month down. Dare one say it, with the sun still beaming down on the (righteous in the) Northern Hemisphere, we are drawing ever closer to the Festive Season with Christmas, Hanukkah and (though not universally celebrated within its faith) Mawlid an nabi to be marked or, for those of no religion, well earned holidays to be fabulously exploited to the full.
(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source. I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down. The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)
As trailed in the two previous posts, this offering will ponder the issue of whether there really are such things as 'gay identity' and 'gay culture' in the 21st Century; a question that raises debate and argument within today's LGBT community. We are all products of our personal experience and this is but one gay guy's take on the question, based on my experience. In this PART 1, I shall briefly suggest why such things may have come about in the first place, in what I admit will be rather Northern Hemisphere and 'western' biased review, and explain what they meant to me, in my time. Then, in next week's post, I shall discuss the degree to which such terms remain apposite, in this day and age, and broaden perspective to the wider world, wherein there are staggeringly disturbing circumstances facing LGBT communities.
All of us are members of communities or sub-cultures, groups that define us or, at least, influence who we are and how we behave; though usually larger than the group of one, "the only gay in the village", that allegedly comprised Matt Lucas' character Dafydd Thomas in Little Britain (though in the comedy series they spelt his name incorrectly as Dafyd)! Most of us belong to a group at work, to a group of fellow drinkers at your local pub/bar, to the players or supporters at your local rugby club etc. For straight men and women, these communities or sub-cultures also present the potential for finding sexual partners and even life partners as, for the straight community, almost all social interaction is accepted as an opportunity to find attraction in someone of the opposite sex. Such has not been and still is not the case, or at least the norm, for gay men and women. Indeed, cruising guys in a 'straight' venue or trying to pick one up has and will still often result in offence being taken, verbal abuse and quite possibly violence; or, in many, many countries across the world result in arrest and prosecution. As a result, community safe havens, so called 'gay villages' sprang up in the larger urban areas of some countries out of necessity, for self protection and to ensure one was amongst kindred spirits. This meant that such communities were defined by sex, or by sexuality, and the need to safely explore the same and be at ease in the company of men and women of the same identity.
I might note that, for some (particularly of about my generation and prior to) identifying as 'gay' might be seen as different from simply being homosexual.
Vince and Stuart
I can illustrate this difference with a scene from the ground breaking, watershed UK Channel 4 TV series 'Queer as Folk'; which is revered as truly iconic by the majority of the UK gay community (I re-watch both series' two or three times a year). In the series, Aiden Gillen's character (yes, he of Game of Thrones fame, these days), Stuart, sets fire to the car of a gay friend's mother, homophobic mother who had disowned her son and had asked him to sign a document disavowing any claim on his dying father's estate just as he arrived at hospital to visit the father on his death bed. Stuart's mate, Vince, played by Craig Kelly, refuses to be a part of the fire setting. After the event, Stuart confronts Vince in a bar and decries and denigrates him in the most venomous way a gay man can, saying, "....You're just a straight man, Vince. You're a straight man who f***s men....". To those of a certain generation and experience, one's sexuality may be homosexual but being gay refers to a positive choice to adopt a lifestyle and, implicitly, to be part of that community's struggle for equal rights. These days, however, it's fair to say that that distinction is obsolescent, if not totally defunct in most countries.
So, if you are generous enough to accept that 'gay villages/communities' grew out of need, out of physical need in two senses (to avoid possible homophobic violence and safely find sex with consenting partners) and out of the powerful, emotional yearning most humans have to find their identity and a sense of belonging, to able to relax and be yourself within a community of similarly minded people with whom you share likes, dislikes and norms of behaviour the question still begs, does that constitute a 'culture'?
For my part, I have lived the London 'gay scene' for a few years (even being called a 'scene queen' by one or two!), as well as having experienced something of the scene in Caerdydd/Cardiff, Washington DC, New York City and, now, Aracaju on the NE coast of Brazil. These experiences, and discussions with other gay guys, lead me to answer in the affirmative. Yes, I found that there was an identifiable 'gay culture' and I say that on no lesser foundation than that laid by the Oxford English Dictionary, wherein 'culture' is defined as, 'The distinctive ideas, customs, social behaviours, products, or way of life of a particular nation, society, people or period. Hence: a society or group characterised by such customs etc'. By this definition, yes, I found there to be a gay culture that spanned countries and continents and bound elements of the gay community together in a shared, distinctive identity; returning to the word 'elements' below.
What comprised these 'distinctive ideas, customs, social behaviours and way of life'? In answering this, I risk sustaining stereotypes and annoying a few gay friends (steady, girls, calm down......which will also anger them!) but, beneath many a comedian's stereotype one finds strands of truth; albeit at the level of a rule of thumb.
The first thing that binds us together is what most would take as self evident, that we are attracted to the same sex. I make the point because some, in the broader gay community, seem shy, embarrassed, almost apologetic about that key point, the initiating factor for all that follows....and they do this in an attempt not to offend the majority and to be better accepted. Believe me, I am always one to seek accommodation and the line of least resistance (and have adhered to that in difficult times in my work and private life) but, only to a point. While not wearing a rainbow lapel badge or flying a flag over our home, I am one of those out and proud gays and am not going to deny who I am in an attempt to win some sort of hollow acceptance from others that would be meaningless if founded on denying the basic truth of who I am. That said, in the long road to wider genuine acceptance there has to be give and take on both sides and the gay community damages itself when it demands its (entirely proper and deserved) rights in full, now, this moment and not one iota less.
Same sex attraction is why we are 'on the scene'. It shapes some of our conversation in bars in gay villages and results in many of the other lifestyle customs that bind us and delineate the culture. Such other common interests and shared norms of behaviour are found in: a more liberated, real, natural acceptance of sexuality as a key drive in and part of life than one tends to find in straight community groups (and I may return to such as hanky codes etc in future posts, though they are dying out, now, and to the nature of 'the chase', cruising etc); a fixation on, addiction to appearance and attraction which drives gym addiction, the tendency to become a clothes horse for clothing labels and perfume retailers; music, whether it be disco, the likes of Justin Bieber or, as with my husband and myself, club dance music (ie predominantly versions of House genre), just make it music, make it loud and all the time and, lastly, hedonism. Again, I know I'll annoy some gay mates in saying hedonism but, outside Brazil, I have seldom found a community so intent upon or willing to enjoy itself as our own; to which I shall return in a future post relating a standard Saturday night out as experienced on the London scene, in answer to a question posed to me by a straight mate over FaceBook's messenger. These behaviours are not just interests, they are positive drives; and, in regard to fashion, I would note that underwear is a key element of that, where a top label pair of boxers of trunks or whatever is important.
A 'Club Night' at our place in Brazil
Penultimate paragraph....yes, the draw of the scene wears off. One gets to the point where you've been there and done that. Such waning of the call of the scene, however, does not negate my claim to cultural identity as I have found that the same shared likes, dislikes and behaviours sustain but find new avenues of expression. For example, my husband and I stopped going into Soho, but found the nearest 'gay' bar and club, an excellent one, Barcode in Vauxhall, and went there instead, or hopped aboard a bus (yes, bus) to Clapham Common to grace gay bars Kazbar and then The Two Brewers with our custom.
Club Night in our 'House' Club
Having moved here, to Aracaju on the NE coast of Brazil, where there is no gay scene at all (to which I shall return in a later post, discussing being gay in Brazil), we have built our own dance club in the 'back garden', fully equipped with decent sound system, lights, lasers, smoke machine and, of course, multiple disco balls and have become the home of something of a gay scene in our own right. The shared behaviours and lifestyle that constitute a gay culture sustain in a different context.
In closing, I said that the above customs, social behaviours and lifestyles bind 'elements' of the gay community together. That is because many (most?) gay men and women live significant distances from 'gay villages' or 'gay scenes'. Life is often more complex and difficult for them. That said, when situations have allowed me to talk with some of those living lives away from the wider gay community, they have often proved to be just as interested in the lifestyle aspects listed above, but simply and sadly been unable to profess them or manifest them in the same....usually out of fear for their place in their families and communities, and that is so very sad. I shall touch on this in the next post, PART 2 to this topic. I should also close on the fact that I know other gay couples who live lives that are outwardly no different from their straight neighbours, particularly when having adopted children....and many would contend that this is where the future lies, this is the logical end state of full acceptance of LGBT people, that we become, to all intents and purposes, indistinguishable from straight people, to which I shall return in the next part of this topic.
....and so, to publish. Just one guy's take on this rather controversial subject. As ever, I am hugely and genuinely grateful to you for taking the time to join me and send you e-hugs/manly embraces (as appropriate). I hope you'll stick with me for another couple of posts which will include part two on this topic, one on a night out on the scene in London's Soho, one on coming out etc.
