Coming Out (PART 2) - To Whom, When, How and....What Next?

Hoping that the time and motion guys see this, I am posting the week's offering a day early.  Hurrah!  I cross fingers that it will entertain, even amuse, enlighten and perhaps aid understanding.  I am immensely grateful to those who take the time to pop in and read, and to those who furnish me with some feed back.  I apologize for not being able to reply via thread comment....I have to post a separate comment (until the experts in the 'Help Forum' advise me how to action thread comments) but I WILL reply, albeit it in that cumbersome way!

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

Well, our hearts were aflutter last week.

We walked ourselves through the reasons for coming out, the immense risks inherent in doing so and the euphoria that results from doing so.  Not just the right thing to do, we understood that it was the only thing to do; for the reasons rehearsed in the post.  That said, however, to whom do we come out, when and how?  These are fundamental questions, the answers to which are crucial to triumphantly riding that emotional roller coaster and arriving at the heady legal high of a successful coming out.

You may recall that we were frozen in the moment and to the spot, last week.  We were 'twixt kitchen and sitting room, a pewter tankard of beer in each hand staring at Dad who, having thoroughly enjoyed the preceding 90 minutes of father-son jousting and joking, had long since surrendered himself to the reassuring embrace of his voluminous armchair and awaited more banter....and the next pint of Welsh bitter.  We understood why we simply had to come out, but why did we decide to come out to Dad, why did we determine that it should be now and how are we going to do it?

Coming out is one of the most important things a gay guy or girl will do in their lives and, from our discussion last week, you will understand the drive to come out to parents; if one is so blessed as to enjoy a loving relationship with them.  In my life, my parents were my oldest and best friends and I had long yearned to let them know who their son really was, help them to understand where and with whom I hoped to find love and stability.  After coming out to myself, they were the most important people on the planet to come out to....but that is precisely why many delay coming out to parents and family, for fear of incurring the devastating penalties that might be exacted if it goes badly.  Determining to whom one should come out, and when, is down to each of us, in the LGBT community.

Some take the bold and uncompromising approach, going for parents or siblings at the outset because of that overpowering, deep seated urge to be honest with those we love.  Others begin with friends, who do not threaten the emotional devastation of having your family vilify and reject you.  Indeed, friends may be very useful rehearsals for 'the big one', coming out to family, and may also help support you prior to and post opening up to parents and siblings.  Timing is down to how you feel about yourself and to your understanding of the possible cost of coming out, accepting that this crucial act, essential for your peace of mind, mental health and hope of finding love is worth such potential pain.  It is also down to your assessment of the other person.  This may be crucial to the outcome.

In my case, I delayed coming out to many who were the most important to me....and, as it turned out, rightly so.  Some family members admitted that they would not have been able to cope with the news, would not have been able to accept the gay me in their younger days.  We each decide who and when.  We each relive that heart pumping, chest bursting emotional ordeal every time we do it.  In my personal story, coming out went well, way above expectation and hope in almost every case.  We must be realistic, however, must be cognisant and understanding of the perspective of others, particularly those older than ourselves who are from different times and social context.  My personal experience included finding out that while some of those closest to me continued to love me unequivocally, they no longer saw me or what I had achieved in my life in the same way.  While deeply, deeply saddening, such responses just mean that there is work to be done in helping others to better understand and fully accept, which will take time; the key, in my case, being that the love was undiminished.

Then there is another factor that impinges upon your timing.  While genuinely proud to be gay and 'out' for many years, family and work circumstances precluded my opening up to many people for quite a time.  That said, I have always sought to adhere to the rule that I would come out to a person when knowledge of my sexuality was pertinent to our relationship.  For example, much of my work in the last fifteen years has been in the USA, working with client groups that were readily described as institutionally homophobic.  Conscious of such realities, I came out to those for whom I was working; risking loss of that income stream by so doing.  The company for which I was a consultant might have been seen in a bad light and even have lost business (at the time) if clients found out that they were employing a "fag", so it was only right and proper to come out to management and allow them to make the positive decision to continue to employ me; which they did.  I do not wear my rainbow heart on my sleeve, but I do believe it is important to be open and honest with work colleagues and friends as and when necessary....and accept the ever present risks; to which I shall return later.

If the above affords some insight into the questions of who and when, we are still not out of the woods of this conundrum.  We now move on to how we might come out.  There are, of course, many ways to get the job done, to lift the crushing weight of living that lie, embracing honesty and your true self.  For the sake of ease and brevity, however, perhaps we may whittle it down to two broad categories.  Directly or remotely.  The first means face to face, in either a planned coming out or unexpected crash coming out/cold pitch.  Our shared coming out story in these two posts left us about to open up to our Dad in an evidently planned way.  Alternatively, an example of the unexpected direct method occurred in my past when, having recently left the military, I met a one time subordinate who had become a very close friend and was still serving.  We were drinking in a London bar (.....or, OK, a number of London bars!), when he suddenly stepped back and said, "Boss [he still would not use first name, even though I was no longer in the Army], next time we meet, how's about dressing less bloody gay, yea?", to which I replied, "Yes, big joke, you've known I was gay for some years, Stephen!"  My dear friend's jaw dropped, his eyes opened as wide as those of a startled owl, and I realised that I was wrong, he had not known.  He immediately removed himself to the Gentlemen's toilets (one might think an odd choice, in the circs?!), then reappeared and ordered another pint but, after a few mouth fulls, gulped down in silence, he put the tankard down and said, "No, sorry, it disgusts me.  You disgust me.  I'm off", and, with that, he was gone.  Another coming out that was not truly planned, but resulted from a dear friend finding out about my sexuality from a mutual acquaintance, also ended badly and sadly.  It involved a guy who was not in the Army but in another Government Dept.  During preceding years, we had done a thing or two together in the line of work and had become really quite close; his family had taken a long holiday in my home in Wales, for example.  He flew into country to meet me in London, having heard of my sexuality.  We met in Covent Garden, drank a little and talked a lot....up to the point when he also put down his glass of beer and said, "Dave, I am sorry.  I shall always respect the man I knew you to be but will never accept what I now find you are," and, with that, he walked off.

We addressed the impact of being reviled, derided and rejected by those for whom we care in the last post.  Rejected not because of what we have done, but because of who we are.  To be told by a dear mate that you disgust him, not some decision you have made or course of action you have followed, but your very nature is crushing.  It can even leave you feeling dirty, in a state similar to the self loathing that is often one of the phases we pass through before properly coming out to ourselves.  You must NOT let it be so.

At this point, I should speak to my LGBT Blog friends and assure them that the above examples were the exception, in my case.  Almost every coming out went well.  In fact, I was met with amazingly warm and supportive responses.  To achieve such a desirable, reassuring and much hoped for outcome I had often resorted to remote means to come out or to substantially prepare the ground.  This took the form of a letter or email that would allow the recipient to read, digest, cogitate and navigate a raft of emotions before we met to discuss the revelation; if, indeed, the individual was still willing to meet up.  In one example of this, a friend from serving days had asked me to join him in his flat/apartment in London to watch a Six Nations Rugby match; Wales against his nation.  He was about to begin work in a non-military Government Dept in London where he would undoubtedly hear that I was gay.  On the Friday afternoon I sent him an email explaining my sexuality and asking him not to reply until the morning, but then to send a note saying whether the invitation to watch the match was still on or not.  He had been known to all of his friends as almost aggressively homophobic; as were many/most in that employ, at the time.  Some weeks later the guy's wife and I met up and she revealed that my friend had rung her about every hour or two, right through the night and early morning, following receipt of my email.  During that time he began by telling her that was going to meet me and try to beat the living daylights out of me, but then worked himself through a thought process that challenged his initial response, setting it against the evidence of what he knew of me from preceding years and, finally, to telling himself that I was still Dave, his mate, and it was illogical to suddenly deny our strongly founded friendship and disavow me.  The next day, the Saturday, I joined him in his flat, we watched the match, drank (too much), chatted, laughed a great deal and broke new ground....he had travelled a long and hard road during that 24 hours!  (....NB, Wales won the rugby match, so win-win for me!)

In the information age, we can also come out over the web, of course.  All I will do here is to post a coming out video about which the LGBT media raved a couple of years ago.  It is one of the best composed and structured, one of the most mature and, at the same time, endearing examples of coming out over Youtube, posted by Ryan Eichenauer....and I love his phrase, ".....I'm not coming out, I'm letting the world in...."

Have used this before, but love the phot!

Lastly, the question of what next?  Well, with time pressing, I shall make just two points.  The first is the wonderful reality that embracing your true self, stepping out of living the lie is the beginning of real life.  A weight is lifted from your shoulders and you feel exuberant, almost delirious.  You emerge from your chrysalis, spread your gossamer wings and rise triumphantly above the mundane and mediocre, taking your place within the gay community, embracing gay culture and, depending on your location, gliding onto the gay scene.  It is, in the vernacular, fabulous....BUT, saying that, we would be in error, would be disingenuous if we did not flag up the reality that while the above is the case for most of us in the more socially advance, liberal 'Western' societies, even in Great Britain, a leader in LGBT rights, research shows that almost 25% of homeless youth are LGB and, of those, almost 70% cite familial abuse, violence and rejection as the reason for their plight.  There is still a long, long way to go to achieve full understanding and acceptance in the real world and the rest of the LGBT community, indeed, the whole of decent society has the lead role in working toward that.  If you find yourself in difficulties over coming out, there are some great organisations that can help, including:  Stonewall UK, at http://www.stonewall.org.uk/ and http://www.youngstonewall.org.uk/ ; the excellent Albert Kennedy Trust, also in the UK, at http://www.akt.org.uk/ ; the wonderful Matthew Shepard Foundation in the USA, at http://www.matthewshepard.org/ and http://www.matthewshepard.org/matthews-place/ and various others.  Secondly, I have to caution that what comes next is more of the same!  Unless you are a major celebrity and your coming out is global, in a feeding frenzy of media attention, you will find yourself having to come out again and again, to new friends, new work colleagues etc as and and when the circumstances make it appropriate/necessary.  It is a long and winding road that seems to lead to throw open that closet door again and again, I fear.  Each occasion brings with it the attendant risk of rejection but most of the time it results in bringing you closer to those you love and for whom you care and reminds you of the simple decency, the good that is in most of those in your chosen circle of life.

Right, ENOUGH!  The post has been a touch more anecdotal, more personal than I expected when I began; but I know from your feed back that you prefer that to sterile, almost academic prose on subjects that are founded on human emotions and better related through empirical experience.  I thank you, very much, for joining me and send you e-hugs or manly embraces (as appropriate).  The next post will either be 'Visits to the Gay Zoo and Straight Tales of Gay Sexual Experiences' or 'Sex and the Scene'; probably the former, as it follows on from this post, and then 'Sex and the Scene' thereafter.

Have a fabulous weekend, if Saturday and Sunday fill that role for you and if your work allows such indulgence.  I do hope to see you next week.