Coming Out (PART 1) - "WHY?"

The first Christmas posts have appeared on FaceBook and this week has seen a plethora of Christmas/Holiday Season films on our Satellite service.  Really....?!  With 93 days still to go?!  Might as well shut everything down now, get out the champagne and roll with it....why fight the seeming will of the majority?  Before losing myself to premature festive wassailing, however, we have a topic that is very special and personal to every gay person known to me and I hope I can manage to communicate the realities of it with appropriate depth and feeling.

(Please Note - photos/videos are taken from public sites and assumed to be open source.  I do not hold the copyrights and, if anyone does and wishes the picture removed, just advise me and I shall take the photo down.  The use of a photo does not presume anything regarding the sexuality of the subject)

Do you hear that?  Can you feel it?

The blood pounding through your veins, pressure so high something has to burst, it juts has to.  You're conscious of breathing, almost fighting for air as your chest rises and falls, fills and empties with such rapidity.  You look through the open door from the kitchen to the sitting room and see your Dad in the same position, comfortable and contented, willingly surrendered to the reassuring embrace of his enveloping armchair.  A single bead of sweat lazily traces a line from your forehead onto your cheek, but you can't wipe it away with both hands clasped around the two refilled pewter tankards of beer.  You are seemingly frozen to the spot, gulping air like a beached fish, the drop of sweat continuing its erratic path to your chin and then falling to the floor.   The last ninety minutes of happy father-son chat, joking and jousting, has led to this point and it's now or never.  You must tell him.  You must....but you're visibly shaking with nerves, fear even, as you make the decision to risk so much.  Risk his disdain, his derision, risk your own Dad being disgusted by you, perhaps rejecting you, disowning his own son....and, above all, risking hurting him and disappointing him.

Why?  Why do we do it?  Why do we feel the need to 'come out' to those we love and for whom we care and, in so doing, risk losing them?

Among the greatest riches that can elevate your existence, turning it into a life that may be truly cherished, are the love of your family and the respect, loyalty and affection of true friends.  If you are lucky enough to have banked these in your life, you will probably agree that such wealth requires, indeed results from certain investments by all parties.   The currencies in which these investments are valued include honesty and trust.  We (most of us) are gregarious, pack or tribal beasts; though we may be wisely circumspect in populating said pack or tribe.  Mine is not large but it is true.  Indeed, I know that many who read this Blog have lived lives that were founded on the idea of mutual support, of reliance on and trust in others while inviting them to rely on and trust in you.  Most of us feel the desire to be open and honest with those we love and for whom we care, or at least to feel able to be ourselves when in their company; if not, does your relationship truly merit the description of family or friend?  With something as fundamental as our sexuality, which is at the heart of who we are, the determinant of whom we hope to share our lives with, there is an irresistible yearning to 'come out' to those who are important to us.  To do otherwise is to sustain a lie in the face of those with whom we claim the very closest affection and affinity.

In fact, the drive to come out results as much from the desire to end the lie as it does from the drive to be open; if you can see the distinction.  For most of us, being gay has required us to lie, or at least to dissemble, to deny who we are in the name of self defence, protecting our places within the essential social  I context outlined above.  In my younger days and still now, according to the figures, society in general and particularly street level reality teaches us that who we are is something vile, perverted, unnatural and so, to sustain our places in that society, many lie to themselves and others, even to those we hold most dear.  The stress and strain of that, the pain in that sad truth can be crushing and risk mental ill-health.  It is a terrible weight to bear and the need to get out from under it is overwhelming.

So, we come out in order to be open with those we love and for whom we care but also to stop living a lie....but we are still not finished with the question, "why", because to the above I must add essential self affirmation, the need to start being yourself.  During my youth, while there were no gay characterisations on TV or in movies, and absolutely no role models, society taught me many things about homosexuals....they were weak, effeminate, disgusting, vermin, paedophiles.

They offended against the laws of God and man and, in the currency of adolescent boys, the most disparaging terms of abuse that could be deployed against enemies and, of course, against the different and vulnerable were those accusing the target of being homosexual, with "gay", "queer", "poof", "faggot" ringing in kids' ears from each session in the school playground and each rugby match.  Even if not deployed against you, such vile verbal abuse was repeatedly shouted within your hearing, reinforcing society's prejudices and each repetition seemed to cemented their truth.  In the face of such certainty amongst your peer group, you began to believe and, then, to hate yourself, to be reviled by who you were.  To bring it up to date and reiterate points made in an earlier post, 55% of LGB pupils in UK schools experienced direct bullying in 2015 while 96% heard gay related language used in a derogatory context and 24% of Britain's homeless youth are LGB, of which 69% cite familial rejection, abuse and violence....and all this in a country that is a world leader in LGBT rights.  You can imagine the degree to which this gnaws away at a young guy or girl's self perception, self esteem, and even leads some poor, distraught youngsters to attempt suicide.  Those of you who are members of other minorities that attract prejudice and discrimination, those of you whom society regards as 'different' may recognise the above....it may send a chill up and down your spine as it still does with me, whenever I address it.  I made damned sure I was not bullied, as I was big for my age as a school kid, but my eyes and ears were open and I could not deny the evidence they garnered from all about me.  The most fundamental physical and emotional drives within me were revolting.  The realities of who and what I was were perverted and utterly disgusting.  "Why me?"  "What the f##k is wrong with me?"  "No-one must ever know, I just have to keep this secret."  "If my family, friends find out I will lose everything!"  Coming out is the first and most important step of fighting back, to standing proud, being yourself and establishing your true lifestyle.  It is unbelievably liberating and empowering.

That said, the journey is not easy and, for most, it takes you through phases of disbelief, denial, self loathing, fear and anger then, finally, dissembling and living a lie.  Successfully navigating the above will lead you to the most important coming out of all, coming out to yourself....not just recognising that you are LGBT but accepting it, embracing it, being bloody well proud of it.  After that, you will yearn to share this fabulous truth with all you love and care for; for it is fabulous and I would not change it even if I could.  A mate of mine once observed that many of us do things that annoy our parents, even upset them and disappoint them so why was this "coming out thing" such an issue, such a big thing, "....for heaven's sake grow a pair and tell people".  Well, yes, we have all upset our parents from time to time because of something we have done, a decision we have made.  The consequences of that may be huge within the family, such as my friend from a staunchly Protestant family who announced he was converting to Roman Catholicism, but suffering your parents' displeasure or wrath because of something you have done is rather different from them actually being revolted by who you are, by your most personal and essential truths, believing you be perverted and physically offensive.  Yes, you take your heart in your hands every time you come out to someone but, believe me, it is not only the right course and the most, most exquisite experience (that will give you something of a 'legal high!') it is the only course of action; for the sake of your self perception and mental health.  The risks inherent in it are truly significant and very real, it can go wrong (as I have found and will relate next week) and, as a result, it is imperative that you judge those to whom you come out carefully and pick the time....as we shall discuss in the next week's post.

I rather fear that my vocabulary and powers of expression have let me down, this week.  I feel that I have not been able to take you inside the mind of a young guy or girl and walked you through their journey to coming out.  I have been unable to properly convey the critical importance of coming out and the wonder of doing it.  Forgive me.....but I hope you have gained at least some understanding.  Thanks a million for joining me; I am sending e-hugs or manly embraces, as appropriate.  Your company is key to the Blog, as there is no Blog without you (Q - does a poet actually create, if no-one reads his or her writings?).  I do hope you'll pop back in to join me next week, to talk about 'Who, When and What Happens Next' in the topic of coming out.

Have a thoroughly fabulous weekend.